HE SAID: Strangers on a Plane

I hate to do it, I really do, but I’m going to lead this post off with a famous quote from Samuel L. Jackson, “I’m tired of muthafuckin strangers talking to me, on this muthafuckin plane!”

Granted, I took a little liberty in replacing the word ‘snakes’ with ‘strangers,” but more or less blatant plagarism is a crappy way to start off my first post in quite a long time.  But you have to understand two things – 1. 17 nights in Paris averaging 5 hours of sleep and 5 glasses of wine has pretty much left me devoid of all creative thought and 2. that quote sums up my thoughts on travel perfectly!

I should say that I understand why people want to chat on a plane to the total stranger sitting in the next seat, especially on a long flight.  Sometimes the movies showing suck, and most people are not smart enough to read a book.  So yeah, pass some time by making conversation about absolutely nothing.  But to the guy sitting in saet 39 G on my flight from Paris to JFK Sunday morning, I’m pretty sure I made it really fucking obvious I didn’t want to talk to you.

When someone sits next to you, with sunglasses on, headphones in, and immediately opens up reading material, guess what…striking up a conversation about how bad airplane food is probably not what your next seat neighbor had in mind when getting on the plane.  On top of these hints, my one word answers (along with breath that probably wreaked of redbull-vodka) should have clued this jackass in.

But guess what, it didn’t.  He kept touching me lightly on the arm to get my attention, which he was forced to do because my music was so loud I couldn’t hear him, and asking lame questions like, “what’s your favorite part about Paris?” or, “bet you can’t get croissants back home like the ones in Paris, can you?” Maybe if he had told me the best place to find a cheap prostitute next time I visit I would have been more tuned in.

There are countless more stories I could tell you about along these lines, but they are all pretty much the same so I’ll spare you.   But bottom line is, unless you are a member of the opposite sex who fits the following qualifications  – 1. can make intelligent conversation about things that are not only found in US Weekly 2. have decent breath 3. are not revolting to look at and 4. wouldn’t mind having some fun under the blanket, then please don’t fucking talk to me.   I’m kidding about #4, it is not a requirement, but would be considered as a replacement for 1-3.

SHE SAID: Strangers on a Plane

Hate to break it to you, but you start off with literal plagiarism and then continue with character plagiarism.

I get it, you want to see the Hangover.  You liked Old School.  You’re the bearded, hungover guy with the white headphones in who’s been on a bender for two weeks wearing sunglasses (kind of embarrassed to know you, after you revealed that little detail) on the plane to whom regular people are giddy to talk.  You exude cool.  I’ve seen that character in a lot of movies and in a lot of recent literature.

Maybe this guy sitting next to you just spent his first few days in Paris after a life spent washing dishes at Howard Johnson’s and yes, he was that excited to talk to you about the croissants because he just had the trip of a lifetime and was happier than he had ever been.  Would have been nice if he could have shared that enthusiasm, relived some of his incredible memories instead of sitting next to a damp sponge of wrung out vodka red bull.

Oh wait, if he were a hot, young, whore of a twenty something girl he would have been worthy of your enlightened airplane conversation.  Too bad he missed out on your top three Judd Apatow movies of all time.  Or your witty commentary with winners such as “The triple S”.  Poor Guy.  It’s a good thing you spared him and just ignored him, so at least he didn’t know what a gem of a conversationalist he was missing out on.

We are assholes.  In close confines, sometimes, just maybe, we have to get over ourselves and interact.  It’s not always such a bad thing.  Some of the people around you might have an interesting viewpoint, a unique life story, a touching reflection on something we’ve never even considered before.  Maybe they will annoy the heck out of you and offer nothing but a funny vignette for you to laugh about with friends when you’re back home.  Maybe someone’s enthusiasm to talk to you could be interpreted as flattery and a chance to connect, pass the time communicating instead of listening to the same over-played music with the same generic three chords, obsessing selfishly over our hedonistic lives or sleeping off a two week hangover.