HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

It’s Friday.  Well, unless Daphne is reading this, in which case it’s early Saturday.

And Friday afternoons were sort of made for games or at least a little humor because otherwise you drive yourself mad looking at a ticking second hand, or in this day and age, a blinking semi-colon.

Of course, if you’re Jeremy, you’re in the steam room right now contemplating which movie character to somehow work into your next paper.

I digress.

Jeremy’s three are:

1. Lucy, from Seventh Heaven

2. Blossom, from Blossom

3. DJ Tanner, from Full House

Um, Nifer this is more twisted than my cartoon game.  I really don’t know where to go here, but since I have the power, I’m changing my portion of the game to Play House/Necking out on Rocky Point/Toss…just so this blog doesn’t force me to sign up for the National Sex Registry.

This selection is actually quite easy…I’m playing house with Blossom.  For two reasons.  Reason #1 is obvious – she is a Hebrew, like myself.  Reason #2 has more to do with the negatives of playing house with DJ Tanner.  Basically I could not put up with Danny Tanner as my father in law, Joey Gladstone making shitty jokes, or simply having Kimmy Gibler being part of my life.  So, I’ll do some heaving petting/necking with DJ.

Lucy is getting tossed.  Originally it was because her bangs were overkill, then I noticed all my suitors have bangs.  But I’m going to offer up a mercy kill here, albeit a bit different than yours (readers – see below).  Where yours was for the rest of mankind, I’m tossin Lucy for her own good.  There is no way she’d grow up normal with a sister as hot as Jessica Biel.  She’d have a plethora of mental health issues, and most likely end up a miserable adult anyway.

SHE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

I really miss cliff sex marriage.  So after hearing one of my favorite songs from my childhood (Every Rose Has It’s Thorn by Poison), I decided I’ll let Nifer choose from three icons of the era.  Note, you will not be choosing from the following three people now, but rather who they were in there hay day.  First up, Bret Michales of the aforementioned Poison; just think of the way he’d serenade you to sleep.  Next up, drummer of Motley Crew Tommy Lee. I promise I’ve never seen it,  but apparently there is a homemade porn of him and Pamela on a boat, and rumor has it he might be good for the eff portion of the game; but really, never seen that clip on the internet, ever.  Finally,  I don’t see how you can play this game without Axl, a man who needs no explanation.

———

This is tough.  Well done, Jeremy.  They are all so similar that I’m finding myself having to actually think about this one.

I’m going to say, for the sake of the game, that Bret Michaels is pre-Rock of Love Bret Michaels.  Back when glam rock was dominating the charts and I was begging my parents for both the Chipmunks Christmas Album and Def Leppard’s album.  Now, while this demonstrates that glam metal fans clearly have no taste in music, it also shows that even the worst music fan can turn the boat around.  Thankfully, my problem was diagnosed and treated early.

I’m going to marry Tommy Lee.  This is coming from the belief (with no basis in fact) that the guy has to have a good sense of humor based on some of his choices in women, tattoos, etc.

I’m going to sleep with Axl just to say that I did.  But this is at his height.  Before he did the braided dreads thing and tried to fit into his old leather pants and make a comeback.

And that leaves Bret Michaels.  Because I just can’t get over Rock of Love.  Even if I try to pretend we’re going back to the time before … I can’t go back. And, if this tossing takes place before he does that, then it’s really an altruistic action, because I’m sparing America and whatever other countries are suffering through that programming.  So, it’s a GOOD thing.  A humane act of kindness.  A mercy killing … for the rest of us.

HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

We are a classy couple, Jeremy and I.  Going from a post on douchebags, to the walk of shame, to a Marry/Fuck/Toss round.  My mom would be so proud … thankfully, I don’t think she reads this.

I am going to spare Jeremy from having to choose between Wonder Woman and Jem or the female cast of the first season of Saved by the Bell.

Recently, the US held it’s Olympic trials for the track and field events.  I was in awe of both the overwhelming strength and delicate agility required of many of the athletes.  However, the hammer throw seemed to require the most of both and the precise footwork of these athletes was impressive even when not combined with their staggering strength.

So, Jeremy.

Choose between the top three finalists from the first preliminary round.  If they can utilize strength and agility on the field, imagine how much fun they could be off the field.

This year’s top qualifier in the first preliminary, Jessica Cosby, from team Nike.

Second place finisher, Loree Smith, from team New York AC.

And third place finisher, Kristal Yush, who is not on a team and is conveniently listed as “unattached”.

Go, Jeremy, Go.

You want me to bitch and moan like you do every time, don’t you? But I am a bigger person than you Nifer, so I am going to respond happily, and then puke in my mouth…alot.

I know nothing about any of these girls, so I’m going on these three pictures alone.  I am going to marry Kristal, for no other reason than she looks like she might be alot of fun in bed, and therefor the rest of her life as well.  I’ll fuck Jessica for two reasons – 1. she goes to UCLA and I hate the USC Trojans and 2. I like fucking winners.  So that leaves tossing Loree, which I feel bad about because she might be a great gal, but something tells me she’ll get over it pretty quickly…

I just realized, how the fuck am I supposed to toss this girl off a cliff? She can beat the shit out of me.  Am I allowed to use some chloroform first?

SHE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

Historically, I have not been kind to Nifer in this game.  After seeing “Inglorious Basterds” this weekend, I decided my theme for this round I will give her the options based on a pool of my favorite male Tarantino movie characters.  As a reminder, Nifer is not selecting from the actors, but the characters themselves.  These are in no particular order: Mr. Blonde/Vic Vega from Reservoir Dogs (played by Michael Marsden); Clarence Worley from True Romance (Christan Slater, back when he was still cool); and finally Lt. Aldo Rain from the Basterds (Brad Pitt, with some sweet facial hair – Mustache Ride alert)!  I realize you probably haven’t seen Basterds yet…in a nutshell Pitt plays a funny, over the top soldier who leads a team of Americans through France killing and scapling Nazi’s.  Now, I think there is plenty to like here…at least more than there was from the infamous cartoon post.

Nifer here.

The first selection is easy.  I’m going to marry Mr. Blonde.  I like dark guys, which he is, and he’s dapper.  How many guys can you describe as dapper!?  Plus, fantastic dancer, definitely a lot of personality.  Creative and dedicated in his work, funny, dark sense of humor … clearly this wasn’t a hard choice for me.

As for the others.  A blond from a movie I haven’t seen and a romantic …. ugh.

I’m going to toss Clarence for a few reasons.

1. Clarence is not a name I want to be screaming in the heat of the moment.  It’s not sexy and you can’t shorten it to anything.
2. He wouldn’t be able to have a one night stand.  The guy is a clinger.  No offense to the female lead in that movie, but she could have been anyone.  Insert chick here.  He was looking for someone to love obsessively … and obsessive love is never a good thing.
3. In addition to being clingy, he’s also completely off his rocker.  I’m going go out on a limb and say that’s a bad combination.

But mainly, I don’t want to ever have to say, “oh, Clarence!”

So that leaves Aldo.  Other than the fact that he looks a little old for me,  I don’t know anything about him, which is sort of fitting for the one night stand role.  But, sounds like he’s up for a good time and I can work with that.

HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

Sex with cartoons?!  Should I be worrying about you? (See below for She Said: Marry/Fuck/Toss)

I know you’re watching a lot of baseball since the season is heating up and hopefully you’re managing to stay sane during the Red Sox recent penchant for sucking.

Your three are baseball announcers: Heidi Watney, Hazel-Mae, and Jeanne Zelasko.  Yes, all three are arguably attractive, definitely real, and oh yeah, also, human.

Nifer, you are right I probably got carried away with my selections for you…I heard Take on Me on the radio, thought about how sweet the video was, and just took it too far.  It wont happen again, until next time we play this game anyway.

Moving on, you have legitimately given me a problem here.   All three probably know more about baseball than me (huge turn on) and all three are incredibly attractive.  Ultimately though I will marry Heidi, because she is still on NESN with the Red Sox, and even though she has probably been tagged by half the 40 man roster, she has been faithful to the team.

Hazel Mae, not so faithful…she bolted for the fucking MLB Network, what a joke.  As a result I will have a one night stand with her, where I remind her just what she is missing when she left the Red Sox fans (yet to be decided if this will make her want to come back to NESN, or leave for the MLB Network in Japan).

Which leaves you, Jeanne Zalasko – tossing you off a cliff would be fun, since I’ve hated Fox Sports since I could understand the English Language.  However, if I could somehow toss you and Tim McCarver at the same time, I’d probably just jump off right after, and people would remember me as the world’s greatest Martyr since Joan of Ark.

HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

I don’t know about the rest of you, but the last few days have been crawling.  Literally.  I can’t wait for the weekend.

Jeremy, in the interest of fun and passing some time…here are three women for you to choose from.

Martina Navratilova, Billy Jean King, and Arantxa Sanchez Vicario.

xo, Nifer

Oh Nifer, you try so hard to gross me out with these pics, but you have to remember…I am a guy, and thus have far lower standards than yourself.

That being said I am not too enthralled regarding the task set in front of me.  One of them is an all to butch looking dyke, who would most likely still beat the crap out of me at the age of 65.  The second is another lesbian who would definitely beat the crap out of me at the age of 52.  And the third is apparently straight, but is possibly the worst looking straight player Women’s tennis has seen, and that’s saying something.  But alas, I must choose…

First up is the easiest selection, I am going to toss Billie Jean off a cliff for one simple reason, she scares me.  I fear if I married or had a one night stand with her I would be forever changed.

Ok, ten minutes has gone by and I’ve made my decision.  I am going to fuck Arantxa…have to clean off the keyboard I just threw up a little on it….and marry Martina.  Reason being – if I marry Aranxta I might have to fuck her more than once.  With Martina, she might even let me cheat on her since I would not fulfill her sexual needs anyway.  Of course, with my new glasses the women I’d be cheating with would probably be no better than Arantxa…it’s a vicious cycle.

On the brightside, at least you didn’t go here on me. Yikes.