SHE SAID: Houdini Exits

May 8, 2009

disappearI love “Houdini Exits”.  From bars, from parties, from anything, really.  Definitely more feasible if one has been in the company of drinkers, and more exciting, if one has also been drinking.  Because you think people care enough about you leaving that you have to sneak out. Which is really quite ridiculous, but very easy to believe at certain times, late in the night, when you may or may not have been drunk enough to have decided bootleg whiskey shots were a fantastic idea.

There are certifiable reasons to pull the Houdini Exit that no one is going to argue with:  You’re at a bar in New York with your friend who has hit it off with a guy and things are looking like they might work out for her (before he pulled out the winning line, “I hate animals”); a creepy person is hitting on you and is not getting the hint that you want nothing to do with him/her; a hot person is hitting on you and gets the hint that you’re really quite into him/her (in which case, the double Houdini Exit is necessary).  And then there are Houdini Exits that seem perfectly reasonable and defendable at the time, and there is no need to explain either then or the next day.

Plus, it’s also exciting when you get the Houdini Exit pulled on you.  I respect someone who pulls the slip on me.  Sometimes you end up having to find a new way home, end up staying later than you would have and hopefully creating some fun memories, or being told about great memories that you’re having trouble recalling.  Good things happen in the chaos that follows a Houdini Exit.

The beauty is that it spares all parties the belabored goodbye.  The “oh you’re leaving already”, the “but we’re just about to go to [blank]”, the guilt trip about playing wingman to your friend who hasn’t quite sealed the deal and really doesn’t care if you’re there but needs you to talk to until they don’t need you to talk to anymore, the saying goodbye to people you’ve met there at the bar or event that you’re not going to see again, and so does it really matter if you say goodbye?

Instead, the excitement of figuring out how to best go about sneaking out the door, the sound of solo footsteps on the pavement of the parking lot: freedom.

HE SAID: Houdini Exits

May 8, 2009

It’s not often we agree, but here I have to.  Houdini exits are amazing, and perfect for every scenario in which you described – if you are an insecure college kid.

Leaving a bar, or frat party early in college is really fucking hard.  There are no excuses.  If you are so drunk you can’t stand up straight – have some frat dawgs hold you up, Weekend at Bernies style.  If some really ugly, fat girl is hitting on you and you can’t get away – perfect, you are definitely getting laid tonight. 

Here’s the problem – we aren’t in college anymore.  We are in our 20’s, or early 30’s (embrace it, Nifer).  If it’s 11:30 at the Rusty Nail, and I’m not interested anymore in getting drunk with a woodchuck crowd watching Last Kid Picked, you better believe I’m getting the eff out of dodge.  And before I go, I’ll say goodbye to all of my friends.  They’ll probably say things along the lines of, “you fuckin homo,” “you fuckin loser,” “you fucking____.”  The females might say something like “oh come on, it’s been sooooo long since I’ve seen you,” when, in reality I’d probably been drinking with them all afternoon and evening, and we are meeting for brunch the next morning anyway.  Basically, I’m not so insecure that I still give into peer pressure, like some apparently, are.

A hot/ugly/run of the mill female hitting on me? I’m all for it, even if I have no intention of making out with her in the parking lot.  Maybe our train of thought on this aspect is different because I’m a male and you are a female, and there is the whole safety issue to think about.  Let’s face it though, if there was ever a male in danger of getting sexually assaulted, it’s me.

A houdini exit is acceptable in only one situation – a temporary one.  An example would be really needing a pack of cigarettes, or maybe really needing to take a dump.  Maybe the bar you are at doesn’t have smokes, or comfortable shitting stalls.  In that case make a quick, houidini like exit to the nearest convenience store, buy some Marlboro lights, take a shit, and get back to the bar.  If done properly, friends won’t even notice.  And if they do, they’ll just assume you were making out with the ugly girl you were trying to escape from in the first place.