HE SAID: Houdini Exits

It’s not often we agree, but here I have to.  Houdini exits are amazing, and perfect for every scenario in which you described – if you are an insecure college kid.

Leaving a bar, or frat party early in college is really fucking hard.  There are no excuses.  If you are so drunk you can’t stand up straight – have some frat dawgs hold you up, Weekend at Bernies style.  If some really ugly, fat girl is hitting on you and you can’t get away – perfect, you are definitely getting laid tonight. 

Here’s the problem – we aren’t in college anymore.  We are in our 20’s, or early 30’s (embrace it, Nifer).  If it’s 11:30 at the Rusty Nail, and I’m not interested anymore in getting drunk with a woodchuck crowd watching Last Kid Picked, you better believe I’m getting the eff out of dodge.  And before I go, I’ll say goodbye to all of my friends.  They’ll probably say things along the lines of, “you fuckin homo,” “you fuckin loser,” “you fucking____.”  The females might say something like “oh come on, it’s been sooooo long since I’ve seen you,” when, in reality I’d probably been drinking with them all afternoon and evening, and we are meeting for brunch the next morning anyway.  Basically, I’m not so insecure that I still give into peer pressure, like some apparently, are.

A hot/ugly/run of the mill female hitting on me? I’m all for it, even if I have no intention of making out with her in the parking lot.  Maybe our train of thought on this aspect is different because I’m a male and you are a female, and there is the whole safety issue to think about.  Let’s face it though, if there was ever a male in danger of getting sexually assaulted, it’s me.

A houdini exit is acceptable in only one situation – a temporary one.  An example would be really needing a pack of cigarettes, or maybe really needing to take a dump.  Maybe the bar you are at doesn’t have smokes, or comfortable shitting stalls.  In that case make a quick, houidini like exit to the nearest convenience store, buy some Marlboro lights, take a shit, and get back to the bar.  If done properly, friends won’t even notice.  And if they do, they’ll just assume you were making out with the ugly girl you were trying to escape from in the first place.


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