SHE SAID: Fantasy Sports

Jeremy, to call you geeky would be a compliment.  Here is the hierarchy of coolness as far as those terms go since you seem to need a lesson: Geek – cool; Nerd – potential to be cool; Dork – you’re doomed; Loser – even the dorks feel sorry for you.*

Now, moving on to how that applies to fantasy sports.  I’m going to do another hierarchy system for you, although this one is a little more confusing, so pay attention.  One team in one season – cool; one sport with multiple teams in different leagues – pretty cool; one sport per season – also pretty cool, but a little less; multiple teams in multiple leagues in multiple seasons – WTF, do you have a life?  I get how it’s easy to chat up your match ladies on IM while updating your teams online, and I would imagine you slay the ladies with those opening lines about who you’re throwing in the day’s rotation.  Are you able to step away from the computer to actually meet any of them face to face?  And, if you are stepping away, I hope your iTouch has an app for updating because I wouldn’t want you to miss anything while you’re experiencing life.

Moving on to your anger … can I quote you again?  ENTERFUCKINGTAINEMENT.  When you get to the point where your fantasy team is making you want to throw your laptop into your toilet and defecate on it … maybe you should take a season or a whole year off.  You just threw up in your mouth a little bit, didn’t you?  It’s hard to get your mind around, I know.

You’re not a geek.  You’re not even a nerd.  Nerd knowledge applies to and enhances life and is a usable skill set.  And, you’re not a dork either.  You are a loser.  A full fledged, card carrying loser.  What’s great is that you’ve taken the first step: admitting you have a problem.  Either embrace it or taper back because the idea that you might be labeled a geek seems to anger you and I think it’s pretty clear you can’t even aspire to geekdom at this point.

While we’re clarifying things, at what point in the naming of things, did it become okay for people to be sports nuts and not okay for people to be comic book collectors?  A lot of kids I grew up with collected both baseball cards and comic books.  Then, in middle school, the kids who collected comic books started getting beat up by the kids collecting baseball cards.  I’m confused because they seem to be, when stripped down, pretty damn similar.  Appreciation from afar for either impressive athleticism or gripping artwork with an interesting plot line.  As my friend Todd says, “society has decided that people who obsess over Papi’s batting stance are cool, and people who obsess over comic book characters’ mutant powers are lame.  And don’t tell me that baseball players are “real” and action heroes are “fake” and therefore the former is an acceptable object of obsession. If you work the service desk at the VW dealership in Brighton, MA, the Red Sox are just as “real” as the ninja turtles. You don’t know them, they don’t know you, and that ain’t gonna change.”  They are both geeks, nerds, dorks and losers, depending on the level of obsession.

So, go watch your 90210 reruns, while updating your fantasy teams and doing research for your next draft.  The dorks are shaking their heads.

*rating system overseen and approved by Laura Page

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2 Responses to SHE SAID: Fantasy Sports

  1. KIrk says:

    90210 reruns…..who doesn’t love them?

  2. Rolando says:

    Wow… brutal. Thumbs up.

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