SHE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss Round 3

May 15, 2009

My theme for this week – 80’s sitcom dads.  First up, Steven Keaton from Family Ties, next we’ve got Dr. Jason Seaver from Growing Pains, and finally we’ve got an adoptive father, Henry Warnamont of Punky Brewster fame.  Remember, Nifer, you are selecting from the characters…and I know Henry is old, but he’d make a great father figure!


Thanks for the father figures, Jeremy.  My dad died.  Super smooth, jackass.

This is easy.  Henry is getting tossed only because I have no interest in necrophilia, and he doesn’t look like he would even make it to the edge of the cliff before kicking it, so it’s not like that would be a struggle to get him off of it.  Oddly enough, that is the first time I have tried imagining getting someone off the cliff.

Next I’m going to marry Steven because he’s a decent, fun, liberal guy and I feel like we could have some halfway decent conversations throughout our golden years together.  Not sure if I want to know what’s under the beard though.

I’m going to fuck Jason, but only if we can refer to him only as “the doctor” from now on and the lights are off.

HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss Round 3

May 15, 2009

Another round of Marry/Fuck/Toss to brighten up a Friday morning.

Jeremy’s three picks to marry, fuck, or toss off a cliff are: Salma Heyek, Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie.  And no, you can’t have sex with one before tossing her, Jeremy.  If you are looking for rules and round 1, click here.  For round 2, click here.marry-fuck-toss-selmahalleangelina

Well, I’ll tell you what I’d like to do…after David Ortiz left 12 men on base by himself in an extra innings loss, the Celtics blew a late lead forcing themselves into another Game 7, and the Bruins lost a game 7 in sudden death overtime (on a goal scored by someone who probably should’ve been suspended no less), I’d like to toss myself off a cliff, getting hit in the balls by every jutting rock and tree branch on the way down, because that would feel better than the way I feel right now.

But that is not an option, so instead I will force myself to choose amongst the three you have selected for me.  This is actually the easiest one you have presented me thus far, I’ll save the suspense: Jolie is getting cliffed, Berry is getting fucked, and I’ll marry Hayek.

The reasoning is quite simple – Salma Hayek was the first actress I saw explicitly nude on the big screen, in the movie “Desperado,” and I feel like I owe her for that.  I’d cook her breakfast in bed, get her anything she wants, so long as her breasts were uncovered for at least 75% of our marriage. 

I’d like the chance to spend an evening with Halle Berry, while having sex, but mostly I really want to discuss becoming her manager.  Whoever she currently has managed to turn an Oscar winning performance into Gothika and Catwoman, I figure I can pitch her the idea of managing her career, make a shit ton of money and get off at the same time!

Lastly, there is Jolie.  While I find her seductive and she would probably rock my world, she also probably rocked her brother’s world, and that’s just a bit too creepy for me.  And let’s not forget what she did to Jennifer Aniston.  I can picture it now, tossing Angelina off the cliff screaming “You ruined Rachel’s life you fucking bitch!”