Most email forwards I get at this point in my life make me laugh or are an interesting read. I like to think this speaks highly of my friends that they send on interesting stuff for the most part.
However, lately I received this little gem:
Do not keep this message.
This message must leave your hands in 6 MINUTES. Otherwise you will get a very unpleasant surprise. This is true, even if you are not superstitious, agnostic, or otherwise faith impaired.
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you,’ mean it.
FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry,’ look the person in the eye.
SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.
EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.
THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’
FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.
SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it
TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.
Now, here’s the FUN part!
Send this to at least 5 people and your life will improve.
1-4 people: Your life will improve slightly.
5-9 people: Your life will improve to your liking.
9-14 people: You will have at least 5 surprises in the next 3 weeks
15 and above: Your life will improve drastically and everything you ever dreamed of will begin to take shape.
A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart. Do not keep this message.
While the mission impossible innuendo is kind of cool and makes me feel dangerous and important, threatening emails are unpleasant to receive. Threatening chain emails are not only unpleasant, but frustrating and anger inducing. I was annoyed when I got them in grade school in the mail, and at least those required some effort on the sender’s part. Within seconds of opening this email, I’m being promised impending doom if I don’t frustrate and anger a handful of friends. Who doesn’t want to avoid something terrible horrible and no good happening to them?
“When you say ‘I love you,’ mean it.” Thank you, Captain Obvious.
For a short period of time I would pick people I didn’t like or people who I knew were into this crap and send it on, just to save my Karma fearing self. Then I decided that even that was lame and it was much more fun signing up people I didn’t like to get tons of spam emails from companies like the American Corn Hole Association then sending them hellfire and brimstone emails detailing How To Make Yourself A Better Person or reviewing life lessons you ignored when your mother yelled them at you from the kitchen.
And, for the record, the last part is not the “FUN” part.
Let’s start a boycott of this crap. No more pyramid scheme emails. No more send this on or descend into hell. If it’s a picture of Jeremy from summer camp with the longish bowl cut looking slightly feminine, or his latest mug shot replica passport photo, send it on to as many people as you can think of, and yes you’re life will improve because people will laugh and you will laugh and laughing is healthy and makes you breathe deeply and exhale the bad air from your lungs.
Otherwise, let’s agree to just say no.