HE SAID: Horror Movies

Initially, I was going to concentrate on how vampires are all of a sudden dominating our society.  However, besides a brief watching of True Blood: Season 1 I really don’t have much experience with the current vampire craze.  While I have an odd infatuation with Kristen Stewart, I haven’t watched a scene or read a word of the Twilight Series, nor seen any of The Vampire Diaries, and even refuse to admit last year’s Lost Boys 2 exists.  So, ultimately I decided it would be a bit unfair of me to crap on vampires.  However, I have seen quite of a few of this generation’s so called “horror” movies, and have decided they absolutely suck.


The Hostel Series, Saw (I-XVI), Paranormal Activity (I admit I haven’t seen this yet, and maybe it will end up being good, but my guess is it will not live up to the hype), Orphan, The Strangers, Sex and the City, every Halloween since the first couple, yada effing yada, the list goes on.

They all have more or less the same formula: show a bit of skin (and by skin I mean nipple) and have one or more incredibly messed up individual who torture the protaginists.  Here’s the thing, torture does not equal horror.  Watching some guy saw off his own ankle, or seeing an achilles tendon being plucked ou is NOT horror.  It is gore, and it is gross, and sometimes I turn away from the screen, but only because the vodka soda’s from the night before are starting to creep back up.

Then there are the Blair Witch type movies (which is what I think Paranormal Activity is going for), these seemingly ‘real’ pictures of horror.  I still remember how many morons though the original Blair Witch Project was based on a true story.  So many counselors came back from seeing that and were shitting their pants at the thought of sleeping in cabins in the woods.  What a bunch if “p” words.  I, along with the couple friends I saw it with, were literally chuckling at how dumb and awful the movie was.  Believe me, I’m not sitting here on my high horse claiming I’m a tough guy that can’t get scared, I’m sitting here on my high horse claiming today’s horror movies suck.

I can get scared.  I watched some of The Shining on TV just the other night, and when the wind howled a bit when going to sleep later on, I’m pretty sure I was a bit more on edge than usual.  I saw the original Halloween in a hotel room by myself, and definitely tossed and turned until about 4 in the morning (give me a break, I was 12 at the time).  When I walked up the stairs from the famous Exorcist scene, I shuddered and almost hershey squirted.

Maybe this speaks to what I alluded to last week when discussing Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, directors today too often rely simply on special effects, and what gets lost is the actual movie making.  Maybe I’ll do an actual psychological study one day, but I’m pretty sure if you sat a 13 year old down in front of Saw V, and then a week later made the same kid watch The Shining…he’d have a lot more nightmares about Jack Torrance and REDRUM than he would Jigsaw.


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