SHE SAID: Tiger Woods

November 30, 2009

You don’t usually hear much about Tiger Woods.  Other than his golf results, he tends to stay out of the limelight.  Which is why it was surprising to hear on Friday morning that he was in the hospital after a car accident near his house.

Tiger was hammered on Thanksgiving and got into a car!

Only, no, alcohol wasn’t involved.  The facts: He was going under 33 miles per hour since the airbags didn’t deploy and the back windows of his vehicle were smashed by a golf club.  Since then the rumor mills have been regularly churning out so called news on the event, despite Tiger not releasing a statement until later in the afternoon on the 29th.  An amazing amount of information considering the lack of factual evidence and all the speculation on which it’s based.

Our fascination probably has to do with Tiger never being involved in slanderous stories.  Or golf as a whole since it’s never been associated with loud personalities interested in garnering attention and blaming their possession of narcotics on the fact that they were wearing someone else’s pants.  Usually, the craziest aspect of golf is when someone wears an argyle sweater with checkered pants.  It’s a pretty tame sport and group of athletes.

For a moment when all this gossip was flying around, it was akin to finding out the uptight high school librarian had stared in a porn movie to make some cash on the side.  This was something so different from the impression and carefully sculpted image Tiger has established and maintained that most people I knew were talking about it.

At this point, Tiger’s silence has only added to the general fascination.  Whoever Tiger’s public relations person is should be fired.  The event is unfortunate, but the handling of it leads me to wonder if he has anyone working PR for him at all.  I understand he wants privacy, I understand that he probably thought in staying silent people would have nothing to go on and move on to the next tabloid highlight.  But in holding out for so long on giving a statement or denying any of the stories, in one sense, he’s given the media the green light to deconstruct his marriage and extra curricular activities.  It isn’t necessarily right, but it’s selling papers or attracting visitors to a site.  And selling papers is the bottom line, especially now that print media is struggling to survive this recession.  He has to know that by taking this tack while the end goal might get accomplished, in the meantime, the press is going to feast on him and his wife like vultures.  And if what the National Enquirer is claiming as the cause of the fight is actually the case, all of this attention can’t be helping them get through anything.


HE SAID: Tiger Woods

November 30, 2009

I almost feel like this post belongs on our dbag page, because there really isn’t a more accurate word to describe Tiger Woods – at least with regards to this specific situation.  Actually, there isn’t a more accurate word to describe anyone in this particular situation.  The situation is filled with dbags.  How many dbags we got on this ship anyhow (for those that didn’t catch this reference, go check out Spaceballs).

I mean, really, lets dissect from the top.  Tiger. Effing dbag.  First of all, who gets into an accident by driving into a tree and fire hydrant at less than 33 mph.  Oh wait, that happens all the time, to less than sober drivers.  Then for what has been almost a week, he has avoided both police and reporters and has only released a statement basically asking to respect his privacy.  Eff that, I don’t buy into the whole “superstars are entitled to the same amount of privacy everyone else is.”  Bullshit. You know why? We regular people are the reason he is so wealthy.  We pay premium prices for tickets to see him, we buy Nike gear that fund his endorsements.  Now, I’m not saying we should be entitled to who is he most likely banging on the side, but we deserve more than he is given; it’s part of the social contract.

The police.  You are also being dbags.  Just do your effing jobs.  Don’t cower to the power of celebrity that is Tiger Woods.  Putting the interview off once I can deal with…one can make the argument that Tiger was in some rough shape and needed some time to recover.  Twice? Three times now?  Please, just get this over with.

TMZ/National Enquirer.  You are also dbags…but not just because of this story.  Your entire purpose is to make other people miserable.  Do people that work for outfits such as these realize this aspect to their lives?  You are successful in your job if you tap deeply into the private lives of others, making them suffer.  Sweet life.

General Public. We are being dbags about this as well.  Lets all calm down with the conspiracy theories about them staging the accident to avoid public scrutiny about domestic dispute.  Like I said above, we deserve the truth, but we don’t need to dissect every aspect to his marriage.  Everyone should just shut the eff up about this already.  Which makes this entire post somewhat contradictory.  So I’ll stop.

After I mention Elin Nordegren Woods.  You are not innocent in all this, but when I looked you up I found this, and just can’t come up with anything negative to say about you.

 


HE SAID: Tipping

November 21, 2009

I’ll save everyone the inevitable Reservoir Dogs reference and leave it at this – Mr. Pink is a complete and utter cheapskate douchebag.  Despite most of my friends insistence that I am a shitty tipper because I am supposedly a thrifty Jew, I consider myself a good tipper.  And by good tipper, I mean I generally leave 20%.

I rarely leave extra due to good service, and I rarely leave less due to shitty service.  Bottom line is unless a waiter/waitress is completely incompetent, bad service is usually not their fault.  Maybe the restaurant is short a few staff and your server is over booked, maybe the cooks smoked too much dope in the kitchen and are a bit slower in preparing your food…unless your server is a complete and utter a-hole, give them 20%.

The last thing I’ll say in regards to waiters and waitresses is please, don’t short them on tip or yell at them because something is wrong with your food.  That is the chef’s fault, your servers are not ritards, 99.9% of the time they write down any absurd needs you have for your order.  For example, if you ask your waitress,”can you sub in a few veggies for the fries because I am trying to impress you by showing you I like to stay in shape,” and the fries still come…my guess is the chef put the fries on there on purpose because either A. he is effing your waitress or B. he is simply upset at the sad state of affairs that has arisen with regards to male ordering habits over the past few years.

I’ll tell you the real conundrums I have when it comes to tipping: take out and delivery.  Seriously, I’m like an 8 year old that wanders into the middle of a movie – I have no effing clue what to do.  For take out, I’ll usually just leave between 10-15%, for delivery I just give them a few bucks.  These habits have no rhyme or reason though, it simply feels right.  One person I never tip, is the guy at Lucky King, or any time I get takeout chinese buffet.  I mean, the guy rings me up and hands me a styrofoam box, nothing he does is deserving of my hard earned cash.

I also know people who tip everyone – automechanic, TV repairman, erotic dancers.  Where does it end? I always was taught that one tips your food servers because they depend on them, since their salary is way below minimum wage.  Well don’t automechanics live on fixing something in my car, charging far too much for labor and 75% above market value for the part, not to mention breaking something else under my hood so they can get me back in the garage 3 weeks later.  Strippers make anywhere from $20-$100 to give you blue balls for four minutes.  So I ask, do they really need a f*cking tip on top of that? Please.  Maybe this is the thrifty side of me coming out (thrifty grad student side, not thrifty Jew side), but for the love of Bill Belichick G-d, where does the tipping end?!


SHE SAID: Tipping

November 21, 2009

I think it’s pretty clear from this post that Jeremy has never worked in a restaurant.  While a chef usually has a religious like stance on how a burger should be cooked, they rarely get the order wrong.  Often times a screwed up order isn’t someone’s fault, but usually miss-communication since there is a lot going on in that kitchen.  Or your server was so busy getting the refills for her six top and the apps to her two top and the credit card receipt to her other two top and the extra napkins for the three top with the four year old that she forgot to put in your request that your sandwich be made without mayo even though she wrote it down.  It’s understandable.

Waiting tables is a tough job, and a good tip can make a crappy night bearable or even better, monetarily worthwhile, to someone making a few dollars an hour.  This is assuming that your waitress, like something out of a movie I would roll my eyes at, is a hard working single mom, complete with pencil jammed in her bun, taking pride in her job.

Where I waited tables, most took pride in their job and worked hard.  It made working in a restaurant, where there are so many jobs other than taking orders and getting food to the table, a hell of a lot easier and more enjoyable to have them there.  As for the others … I have some great stories.  Unless someone is completely terrible, I always tip 20% in the states.  At the low end, they are making just over three dollars an hour, and at the high end, it’s still under ten.  Running dishes back and forth and playing mediator between the oft-volatile cooks and the patrons … is bumping your tip up to 20% really a huge deal?

But Jeremy has a good point and I have no answers, but do come equipped with more questions.  Where do you draw the line?  Do you tip your hairdresser less if she owns the business then you would if she were an employee?  When you’re paying an arm and a leg for your child’s lessons, do you tip the instructor?  If someone delivers a cord of wood and the delivered cord is more expensive than the picked up cord, do you tip?  While the plight of the restaurant server is relatively well known, these gray areas need clarifying.  And while I understand that any of us would be thrilled if someone handed over extra money after interacting in a business deal, it’s not always so clear when it is acceptable, when it is necessary, and how much is necessarily acceptable.


SHE SAID: Women’s Gear

November 18, 2009

I have a bone to pick with whoever is designing women’s active clothing.  Actually, scratch that.  I have a bone to pick with whoever is designing anything specifically marketed towards women.

Flowers are pretty.  I like flowers.  I like to grow them, smell them, look at them.  I have nothing against flowers, but I don’t need them plastered all over my clothing, skis, bike, etc.  I don’t feel the need to advertise or defend the fact that I’m female while I’m getting some exercise or getting outside with friends.

I don’t even mind the whole, (fill-in-the-blank) like a girl, campaign.   I don’t have the sticker on my car, mind you, but I think it’s cool.  And after years of being told to emulate the guys, I think it’s great that my nieces are growing up proud of what their female influences are capable of doing and what they themselves are capable of doing.

This is not an anti-female rant or an anti-female-specific-gear rant. Although, I do think that a lot of companies realized a way to make an extra buck and started making lines that were geared towards women.  But, I also realize that despite how strong I like to think I am, I know most of my guy friends could pin me if I were to challenge them to a wrestling match.  Thus, I am aware that men and women have different needs apparel and equipment wise.

And while I think the occasional detailing is cool, I’m okay without little flowers, swirls, hearts and whatever else is so incredibly stereo-typical female oriented printed all over my stuff. While I like fur detailing on some of my hoods, I don’t need it on them all.  And, please, designers, we don’t necessarily want all pastel colored clothes either.  I can still ski like a girl without a fur-lined pink coat covered in flowers.  You’re not putting hammers and horns all over the products geared towards men.  So why the double standard?  Is it so hard to refrain?

At this point, I feel like it’s crossing the line from cute to mildly offensive.


HE SAID: Women’s Gear

November 18, 2009

Did something specific happen with clothes recently, Nifer?  I mean, I see you quite often and you never seem to be wearing anything, or for that matter using anything, that comes close to remotely resembling a floral pattern.  Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean others don’t.

Yes, I realize that pretty much our entire blog is based on things we don’t like, and then force those opinions down our reader (maybe by now, it’s ‘readers,’) throat.  But in this case, clearly you have a choice.  And, I commend you on exercizing said choice and not wearing ugly clothes, skiing in tights with a fur coat, or placing lame stickers on your car.

From a male perspective, I think most guys my age are less than impressed when they come across females that constantly wear floral pattern type clothing.  Well, I can only speak for straight males that don’t have a predilection towards the creepy, like younger kids. “That’s the thing about them high school girls…I keep on gettin’ older and they stay the same age” is a line that is quite funny to use in conversation, but thinking about it more deeply…Wooderson probably loved creeping on younger femmes in floral patterns.

I feel like most guys would prefer one of three things when they see a woman dressing – elegance, slutty or casual.  Personally, if I think a girl is hot when she is rocking jeans and a hoodie, that is all I need.  Other guys get off on seeing a woman look good in a good ole fashioned pantsuit (shoulder pads not necessary).  And still some others need to see cleavage to find a woman attractive.  No matter what, floral patterns aren’t doing it for most.

But, at the end of the day…some chicks want to wear flowers.  Otherwise you wouldn’t see those patterns being made.  Just please, stay away from it.  I promise I’ll avoid any future Men’s lines that feature hammers…unless somehow those become a fad and give me a better chance at scoring with the undergrads.

Clearly, I’m more out of my element than Donny here, so I’ll stop now.


HE SAID: Holiday Commercials

November 15, 2009

*Editor’s Note: While it can be tough being a lonely Jew on Christmas, this post has nothing to do with that.  I am not bitter Hebrew.  I have been lucky enough to experience both (C)Hanukah and Christmas the past few years, and enjoy both.

I had trouble titling this post.  Why? Because for some reason I thought “Will TV stations please stop airing effing holiday commercials two months out” was a tad too long and verbose.  Seriously though, I saw the first holiday themed commercial about 10 days before Halloween.  Oh, and by “holiday” I think we all know I mean “Christmas.”  Lets face it, the Jews aren’t exactly shoving Hanukah Harry themed items down our collective throats.  This first commercial was a gospel themed CD.  I found it odd that it was airing up in the Vermont area – the advertisements probably aren’t reaching the targeted audience.  Stoned white college tree huggers are probably not jumping to their phones to purchase the CD.

Here’s the thing about all this over-advertisement: while it’s true Americans are generally dumb (see election 2004), we are not so dumb that we need to be reminded that Christmas is on the way and all the stores of lots of really really good sales (I wrote that sentence a bit dumbed down to emphasize my point).  We are all all to aware of what Best Buys, Targets and shopping malls in general will be like for the next six weeks, we do not need it rammed in our faces through all forms of media.

Not only do we need to deal with excessive advertising, we need to deal with excessively cheesy advertising.  Take a gander at this, then this, and finally this one.  Ok, so that last one wasn’t cheesy, but it brings me to my next point – at one point Tyra Banks was incredibly attractive.

What about the first two commercials help advertise their products? Are they trying to tell me if I do my house decorations at Lowe’s and grab my tree (or menorah) there that my daughter will surpise me with a visit? I would hope that in the future my kids will show a little gratitude for all that I end up doing for them, such as putting them college.  Or I should say, they should show some gratitude to my wife for putting them through college and me for being Mr. Mom.

You want a good Christmas commercial, check this retro stuff out – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t7kxPYzigCQ.  I have to cut this short because I want to crush some Oreo’s and skim milk.