HE SAID: Tipping

I’ll save everyone the inevitable Reservoir Dogs reference and leave it at this – Mr. Pink is a complete and utter cheapskate douchebag.  Despite most of my friends insistence that I am a shitty tipper because I am supposedly a thrifty Jew, I consider myself a good tipper.  And by good tipper, I mean I generally leave 20%.

I rarely leave extra due to good service, and I rarely leave less due to shitty service.  Bottom line is unless a waiter/waitress is completely incompetent, bad service is usually not their fault.  Maybe the restaurant is short a few staff and your server is over booked, maybe the cooks smoked too much dope in the kitchen and are a bit slower in preparing your food…unless your server is a complete and utter a-hole, give them 20%.

The last thing I’ll say in regards to waiters and waitresses is please, don’t short them on tip or yell at them because something is wrong with your food.  That is the chef’s fault, your servers are not ritards, 99.9% of the time they write down any absurd needs you have for your order.  For example, if you ask your waitress,”can you sub in a few veggies for the fries because I am trying to impress you by showing you I like to stay in shape,” and the fries still come…my guess is the chef put the fries on there on purpose because either A. he is effing your waitress or B. he is simply upset at the sad state of affairs that has arisen with regards to male ordering habits over the past few years.

I’ll tell you the real conundrums I have when it comes to tipping: take out and delivery.  Seriously, I’m like an 8 year old that wanders into the middle of a movie – I have no effing clue what to do.  For take out, I’ll usually just leave between 10-15%, for delivery I just give them a few bucks.  These habits have no rhyme or reason though, it simply feels right.  One person I never tip, is the guy at Lucky King, or any time I get takeout chinese buffet.  I mean, the guy rings me up and hands me a styrofoam box, nothing he does is deserving of my hard earned cash.

I also know people who tip everyone – automechanic, TV repairman, erotic dancers.  Where does it end? I always was taught that one tips your food servers because they depend on them, since their salary is way below minimum wage.  Well don’t automechanics live on fixing something in my car, charging far too much for labor and 75% above market value for the part, not to mention breaking something else under my hood so they can get me back in the garage 3 weeks later.  Strippers make anywhere from $20-$100 to give you blue balls for four minutes.  So I ask, do they really need a f*cking tip on top of that? Please.  Maybe this is the thrifty side of me coming out (thrifty grad student side, not thrifty Jew side), but for the love of Bill Belichick G-d, where does the tipping end?!


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