HE SAID: Grocery Shopping

I excel at many different aspects of my life.  But for everything I excel at, there is something I suck at as well.  The thing I suck at the most, is probably grocery shopping.  I go about once a week, and pick up more or less the same type stuff every time: some salad fixings, bread, a rotisserie chicken, cheese, a few apples and bananas, some soup, maybe a frozen pizza, and some form of a snack (this week it was mint milano cookies, last week it was chewy chips ahoy).  Ok ok, none of you giving a flying eff, but the point is, the things I need is not exactly extensive, and yet somehow I manage to screw it up each and every time.  I mean, I even screwed it up writing this blog, I usually pick up some thin spaghetti and pasta sauce as well.

People tell me that I should make a list.  Clearly, as exemplified by my stupidity above, that would do me absolutely no good.  If I make a list, there is no way I’m deviating from it once I get to the grocery store, I simply don’t have that mental capacity when it comes to food.  Get me on a tennis court, and I can go from plan A to plan B to plan C, get me in your local Shaw’s Supermarket and I’m like an eight year old that wanders into the middle of a movie, I have no frame of reference.  At least if I go into the market without a list, I have a fighting chance of somehow ending up with everything I need in my cart.

Ok, now that I’ve got most of the food I need, I’m ready to head to the checkout lines.  This is always a complete shitshow.  I usually have just enough food where using the self-check just is too much of a pain in the ass.  Besides, most people that use them seem to turn into Ritards once they have to scan their own items.  There should be a general IQ test that screens people before they use the self-checkout (a bit hypocritical, I realize, given I can’t even properly shop, but at least my issues aren’t holding anyone else up).

With the regular lines, the issue seems to be a lack of baggers.  Maybe it’s due to the economy, but I feel like up until about two years ago everytime I bought groceries, a bagger would bag them.  Now it’s more like a 50/50 shot.  Bottom line is I, like most people, can bag my own groceries.  The difference is, I am not nearly as experienced and thus much less effecient at it.  So are most other people, and as a result, the lines get clogged and my fudgesicles start to melt.  Oh yeah, I probably forgot to mention I get fudgesicles too.  Eff it, to anyone reading I’ll pay you to be my personal grocery shopper.

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