HE SAID: Swimming Pool & Beach Attire

It is hard to actually write about this topic without some feeling of guilt.  I thought about writing this last week when I was on vacation in Maui, and one couple came down the pool in horrific attire, and it frustrated me.  But then I had lunch at the pool bar and saw the devastation in Haiti, and realized I was in no real position to complain.  So, to our faithful readers, before you read on, take a minute to at least think about donating.  I’m not going to sit on a pedastal and tell you that you MUST, but at least think about it – http://www.redcross.org/.

That being said, if ESPN can go on reporting sports scores and Fox News can go on creating their own news, Nifer and I can continue or sometimes witty banter about relatively mundane subjects.

Now, many people think tackling what guys should wear is simple – wear a regular bathing suit, not speedos.  While this may be rule #1, it is not the only thing to think about.  Take a look at this guy to our right…he is wearing a ‘regular’ bathing suit.  But guess what, he also has more hair/square inch than most apes.  My advice, wear a shirt.  The most obvious complaint from a gentleman like this would be “but then I can’t get color.”  First off all, sun can lead to cancer, so consider it a medical issue.  Secondly, no way sun is getting through that effing hair anyway, so what’s the difference?  Just spare everyone and cover rug on your back up.  And with regards to the shirt, the bigger you are, the looser the shirt.

Females can be a bit more complicated, mainly because there are so many more options.  Full coverage one piece, sexy one pieces, granny bikinis (bikinis that leave lots to the imagination), string bikinis, thong bikinis, yada yada yada.  It also becomes a bit more complicated for women because no matter how terrible a body might look in a certain type of bathing suit, they are not as hairy (hopefully) as guys, and thus have every right to want to get some color on as much of their body as possible.

But seriously, certain women should not be in bikinis.  And believe me, I’m not trying to further the typical American notion of all skin and bones, the fact that some people in our country think Jlove Hewitt is fat bewilders me; and my goal is not to given females eating disorders (not that I am so narcossistic as to believe anyone reading this would actually let it have an effect on their lives).  All that said, the chicks to our left DO NOT belong in bikinis.

And don’t think I’m sitting on my high horse just preaching this.  I practice as well…I found a very unpopulated part of the pool area on my first day knowing that my ghostly white skin would not only freak people out, but would honestly probably give people eye damage without proper sunglasses.

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