Bathing suits are like religion. Maybe paying a little less attention to what others are wearing or observing would have resulted in less war and bloodshed and centuries of misunderstanding. At one point in time, wearing a boy short bikini bottom would have gotten you rounded up and at the very best, killed quickly. Jams, once the height of popularity were suddenly considered the cloth of the damned. An infant, found floating down a river in a basket donning a speedo was found by a compassionate woman who speedily changed him into a pair of board shorts and because of this, his life was spared. He later went on to spearhead the tankini movement.
Do not take your bathing attire lightly. You will be judged. And mightily so.
And that’s just the half of it. Don’t get me started on ugly people, or imperfect bodies. People like that shouldn’t even go out in public. It’s embarrassing for humanity and there’s a new study out from doctors in Australia suggesting that if you are exposed to such an atrocity for even a short period of time, your lifespan is shortened by 10 years.
Picture a beach scene … you’re scanning the horizon moments before laying down to catch a few z’s in the sun. The woman behind you is about to get up and move because your bacne is ruining her ocean view. And the little boy collecting sea shells just started staring at your toe jam and matching bunion will spend years of therapy trying to get over it. Your lack of a tan is too blinding even for the protection offered by polarized glasses – this is in spite of the almost full body coverage of your freckles. And when you sit up like that, your stomach fat wrinkles. Stop it. It’s gross. You’re ruining the beach for everyone.
We should have a voting system where those around you can opt on whether or not you have the right to wear a bathing suit in public. Whether they want to be forced to view your body and all it’s hang ups. It’s the humane thing to do.
Jeremy and I would never know the feel of sun on our bare skin again.