I started hearing Christmas music in stores this year before Thanksgiving, which should be illegal. Not only is the retail push for the Christmas rush nauseating, but the music itself is one the whole, terrible. I’m not talking about the awesome renditions of Baby, it’s Cold Outside or other highlights, which I have listened to on rare occasion while there was not a wreath hanging on my door, but I am referring to, oh just of the top of my head, the Barenaked Ladies rendition of Jingle Bells (wait until about 40 seconds in if you want to experience agony) or The Chipmunks singing Christmas Don’t Be Late (Alvin singing “hula hoop” is pretty cute, I will admit). How about the Beach Boys Little Saint Nick which includes the insightful lyric, “Christmas comes this time each year.” Or, my least favorite, anything by Sarah McLachlan who must have recorded her Christmas album right after she got food poisoning from her neighbor’s Christmas cookies after she was dumped under the mistletoe which after she was swiped by a car while walking home since her snowshoe broke in the middle of a snowstorm during which the hot chocolate burned her tongue. The woman clearly was miserable when she recorded her Christmas album. Listening to one song makes me depressed.
I’m sure by now you’re wondering (the one person reading this blog other than my mom) where this depth of knowledge regarding Christmas music comes from. And the truth is that while working retail, I have been exposed to Holiday music non stop since Thanksgiving. I find myself singing Feliz Navidad while folding laundry at night, I know more Chanukah songs that most of my Jewish friends and I know a lot about who has recorded holiday music.
And I have come to a few realizations in the past 30 days.
1. The Jews need to spice up their holiday music. Between I Have A Little Dreidel, Oh Chanukah, Eight Days of Chanukah and Light One Candle, written by Peter, Paul & Mary, it’s looking a little drab even before getting thrown into the mix with the slew of chipper Christmas music on the airways.
2. The Christians need to tame it down. Enough is enough. How many covers of Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas do we need?
3. Selling out is Huge. Almost all new recording artists have covered a holiday song. Including some surprises like Alison Krauss, No Doubt, Rhianna, Wyclef Jean and Lady Gaga. I expected holiday music from Mariah Carey, Vanessa Williams and Michael Bolton, but not Sting and Maroon 5.
4. Auditory Torture is Real. When listening to holiday music for extended periods of time, you can go mad, act violently, and have prolonged loss of consciousness.
5. There is no limit to Glee’s reach. Seriously. A Christmas album? And it’s selling well? To quote The Onceler, “you never can tell what some people will buy.” That being said, since we ripped Glee apart I’ve been watching Glee regularly. I’m being made fun of at home on a regular basis and we can delve into my love/hate relationship with Glee at a later date.
6. This one is shocking, but Advertising is Not Always True. Now That’s What I Call Music 4 is claiming that Colbie Caillat is a superstar. I beg to differ.
7. Cookies are Good and Make Listening to Christmas Music Easier. Even when your son insists on making the gingerbread cookies Star Wars characters instead of the traditional gingerbread man and woman.