Inspired by Jeremy’s post on D-Bags, we have decided to add another element to our blog. Welcome to the HE SAID: D-Bag Page, where Jeremy will be posting whenever he encounters someone worthy enough of being classified a D-Bag. These posts, unlike our main page which is a call and response type posting routine, will be sporadic, random, and probably incensed. Enjoy.
Posted July 7, 2010
The King of dbags
King James, congratulations on vaulting yourself to the top of my most hated athlete list (Brett Favre is now a distant second). If other people call you “King,” that’s all well and good, but please don’t refer to yourself as that, especially since you have yet to win a title. Your new twitter page makes me want to vomit, and the self-gratifying spotlight you’ve cast on yourself with this absurd free agency deal makes me want to induce vomiting by eating the vomit that resulted from reading your twitter page. I don’t care where you end up, as long as it’s not in Boston. Yeah, I realize you are one of the best basketball players alive…but only d-bags mail in crucial playoff games. I mean for effs sake, just look at Rasheed Wallace, at least he looked like he cared this postseason.
Posted June 19, 2010
Petulant, Arrogant Red Sox fan dbags
Good job last Red Sox fans, way to give the term ‘massholes’ credence. And way to take away our ‘smartest fans in baseball’ title (which now firmly belongs in St. Louis, if it didn’t already). How could you boo Manny Ramirez in his return to Fenway last night? I understand you are bitter over the way he left, I understand Manny himself was petulant and arrogant; but please remember this – without Manny Ramirez, “1918!” chants would still be relevant. The man did not dog it at the end, as he is accused of; he was by far the Sox best offensive player his last month in the uniform. At the end of the day he did not treat the organization, or fans, with the respect he should have…and if you feel strongly about that sit on your hands for his first at bat and then boo all you want. But that first at bat, he should have heard nothing but cheers, and possibly even a standing ovation. He was the best hitter this team has seen since Yaz, or maybe even Williams…and he delivered what they couldn’t – not one, but two World Series titles.
Posted June 11, 2010
The “We don’t belong in the World Cup” dbags
Thierry Henry and the rest of the French soccer team, this is yours. I don’t really even need to say anything else, just this
Posted May 14, 2010
The “I may have managed to ruin a city” dbag
Been awhile, which I guess is a good thing because it means I haven’t run into any dbags lately. Last night (and for the past week really) I saw one on TV though. Mike Brown, head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers, is a huge dbag. I don’t want to take anything away from the Boston Celtics, who played unreal basketball and outplayed Cleveland in all but one game throughout the series, but Mike Brown did way too much to help them along the way (playing the wrong guys, giving up with about 90 seconds left, etc). This is not a place to get technical about basketball strategy, but suffice it to say this ahole should not have the right to coach the most talented basketball player alive today (yes, Lebron James is a more talented basketball player than Kobe Bryant, he is not better, there is a difference). If Lebron leaves Cleveland, blame Mike Brown. So I might have exaggerated with the title, Lebron leaving will not ruin the city of Cleveland, but it will certainly dramatically change their basketball team (not for the better)…and given the finances surrounding a good sports franchise, it may well indeed have a negative effect on Cleveland’s economy. As a result, congrats Mike Brown for making my dbag page. By the way, if anyone knows a good realtor in Cleveland, Mr. Brown is probably interested in putting his house on the market…
Posted April 2, 2010
The biggest gun d-bag
Plaxico Burress was a moron…but he was out in NYC and maybe was taking a stroll through a rough neighborhood in the Bronx after going to the club. Gilbert Arenas was a ritard…but maybe he got a death threat that day, who knows? But Shaun Rogers, you sir, are an effing dbag, big time. You tried to bring a loaded gun onto the plane, in your carry-on. I think it’s safe to assume you weren’t trying to kill anyone, you were bringing it home because you needed protection, and simply forgot it was there. You know what? I would simply chalk you up to an idiot if this was your first time flying. But you are an NFL player, you fly at a minimum of 10 times/year (it would be more if your team didn’t suck balls by the way). This isn’t a fucking bottle of water or a 4 oz. can of barbasol. This was a loaded gun. You are a moron, ritard and a d-bag.
Posted March 25, 2010
The Discovery D-bag
The Discovery Channel, and all its subsidiaries, has brought us countless hours of amazing television. But now reality TV Czar (and resident douchebag) is giving $1 million/episode to Sarah FU$%%NG Palin to host a reality show about all things Alaska. When is it over? When can I stop dealing with this awful woman. Actually that’s harsh, she might not be awful. But the only reason she is famous is because she totally gives most straight males the whole naughty librarian fantasy image. The only reality tv she is qualified to host is a homemade sex tape…now that I’d watch. Eff you Mark Burnett for enabling this woman.
Posted March 11, 2010
The Kitchen dbag
It should be noted that the person I am about to lambaste for a few sentences is not a dbag, he just happened to be so on this occurrence. I love the movies, hence I love the Academy Awards – even if they are really effing boring most of the time. Two of the three people I was watching the Oscars love the show too, albeit they are female so probably more into it for the “what dress is she wearing” aspect. What none of us loved, was the dbag in the kitchen making bread, doing dishes, and just generally wreaking havoc on our viewing experience. First off, your wife should be the one tending to the kitchen…haha, just kidding, promise. For real though, shut the eff up when I am trying to watch Doogie make an ass out of himself.
Posted March 5, 2019
Once a dbag, always a dbag
Yup, it’s that time again…guess who said this on Jay Leno, “Well Jay, it’s only been a month, and I know now that I’m just not going to say anything anytime soon, just going to kind of sit back, relax, enjoy the offseason.” What he didn’t say was, “and in doing so I’ll hamstring the team that I almost took to the Superbowl, but didn’t because I threw yet another crippling interception.” If you want to learn more of my thoughts on #4, just type in ‘brett favre’ in the search box…you’ll realize that I clearly have issues of my own.
Posted February 19, 2010
The NBC Dbag
Ok, so in yesterday’s Olympic Post, I wrote the following “NBC coverage. Fuck you NBC, I hate the way you cover sports with all your tape delayed bullshit, and I hate Bob Costas.” I’d like to open this dbag post to the general public…please scroll down to the bottom and comment on what else NBC has done to piss you off this Olympic Season (seriously, at least two people throw something in there for me, otherwise I’ll look like a dbag).
Posted February 3, 2010
The Ultimate Gym Dbag
My parents were visiting this weekend. Since the weather was so horrific and made it pretty brutal to ski, I took the opportunity to use their world-class gym and work on my tris and pecs. That sounds incredibly douchebaggy to say, doesn’t it? Well, picture me, who struggles to reach triple digits on most machines, watch some effing “Situation” wanna-be workout. He had skintight clothing on, including the beanie on his head. Here was the kicker though, he had a fucking bluetooth earpiece in (yes, I feel strongly enough about this that I used the entire “F” word). Not only did he have it in, but he was using it for at least 15 minutes, talking to either his wife or girlfriend. He did not have a ring on, but I’m not ruling out the chance that this guy is married, but takes his ring off when away from his wife. Was he using it in between sets? Of course. But no way was this ritard using it while lifting, right? Wrong. As he is lifting guy is throwing out comments like “man this burn feels so good” and “hold on babe these last few are gonna hurt…” And people wonder why I stay away from the gym.
Posted January 27, 2010
The D-bag that just wont go away
Yup, I’m going to write about Brett Favre again, only briefer this time. Last time I wrote out a full letter pleading him to go away. He didn’t. He came back, had an absolutely unbelievable season, right up until the moment he threw what is possibly (given the circumstances) one of the top 5 worst interceptions in the history of football (probably slightly worse than the last pass he threw as a GB Packer against the Giants a couple years ago, which if he hadn’t, the Pats probably complete their 19-0 season, yet another reason to hate Favre). Seriously, I never doubted the guys ability, though 30 interceptions in 24 career playoff games do not exactly inspire confidence when it matters, but it’s seriously time to fucking go. I want to hear about the Superbowl teams for the next 10 days, not whether or not you are coming back. Brad Childress announced yesterday he would place no timeline on you to return, that’s because he knows you won’t pay attention to it anyway because you are a selfish, narcissitic a-hole who happens to be one of the better QB’s of all time. That last fact doesn’t give you the right to eff with organizations and the emotions of fans. That’s it, Howard Out.
Posted January 7, 2010
Lazy Grocery Shopper D-Bag
As a follow up to my grocery shopping post from last week, I figured I’d let everyone know about a new type of D-Bag I discovered during my trip yesterday. While it incenses me to pull into a parking spot, only to find a cart in the middle of it, because some lazy asshole couldn’t take the 7 seconds out of his/her day to place the cart where they belong, never had I been so angry as I was yesterday. First off, I realized as I was putting my groceries in my trunk that I had yet again forgot croutons, but what really pissed me off was watching some doucher leave his cart next to his car, when his spot was literally RIGHT next to the receptacle for carts (I’m not sure what that area is actually called, and I very rarely get to use the word ‘receptacle’). I watched eagerly hoping the wind would blow the cart into his ’93 F’Escort, only to realize the car, like the driver, was such a POS it wouldn’t have made much difference.
Posted December 11, 2009
The Jersey Shore Dbags
So in my last class of the semester Tuesday, a few of my classmates were talking up MTVs Jersey Shore like it was God’s gift to television. Of course, they don’t actually think it’s quality television, so much as an effing train wreck. So now, that I have approximately 158 free hours a week, I figured last night I might as well DVR an episode. I’m currently watching one. This shit is absurd. It is like a train wreck, I can’t turn my head away. One douchebag refers to himself as, “The Situation.” One skank, er, I mean girl, calls herself “a guidette.” They talk about ‘pounding girls out.’ Honestly, it’s unreal. It’s like the Real World on steroids, massive amounts of steroids, Arod amounts of steroids. That being said, I’m not even sure I’m going to be able to finish this episode. I know what’s going to happen throughout the whole season – all the roommates are going to get shitfaced, hook up with each other, dick over each other, and just generally give the Jersey Shore and all those affiliated with it an even worse name than “True Life: I’m a Jersey Shore Girl” gave it; even though most of these assholes are from Long Island. Jersey Shore isn’t a bad place, I promise, I mean Jersey Mikes came from there, and that place makes subs like there my Grandmother used to make latkes on Hanukah (that means really effing good). So I guess the real dbag in all of this is MTV, just as they were in our post from last week. Screw you MTV, we are through. Wait, some girl named Jwoww is showing off a pretty amazing rack, maybe I’ll stay tuned in for one more commercial….
POSTED December 3, 2009
THE MOTHER NATURE DBAG
Please, Mommy cool it down with this global warming bullshit. I realize humans, as an entire society, are crapping on our environment in such a way that it is raising the temperature in an unnatural way. I’m not here to get into a debate Al Gore style on global warming. I just want some effing snow. I want to ski. I have a ski pass that I spent a fair chunk of change on, and lots of free time because I have 5 weeks of vacation coming up. I want to use it skiing on snow. Please, Mother Nature, stop being a D-bag. There are lots of people who are doing their best to reverse global warming. Look at me for example, I drive a PZEV (partial emissions vehicle) Lezbaru. Most people in Vermont are doing even more than myself (minus dbags like the one Nifer referenced a couple of weeks ago). We deserve some snow. Please.
POSTED November 18, 2009
THE NAZI DBAG
Um, I don’t exactly think I’m going out on a limb here with our readers (hopefully not, anyway), but Adolf Hitler was a huge dbag. Actually, he is the cruelest, most evil dbag in recent history, arguably of all time (personally, I think he is, but going back in history I’m thinking some people would argue for Genghis Khan or Christopher Columbus (double paranthases alert – holy shit we still celebrate Columbus Day!)). I’ve been watching WWII on History HD Station pretty much all day and it’s unfathomable what more or less one person was able to set in motion. I’ll give you a couple examples of dbags that have come about as a result of Hitler: morons who A. think the Holocaust is a Jewish conspiracy to promote their people (um hello, we own all the banks in the world, how much more do we need to promote ourselves?) or B. think that “Hitler was a really smart guy who just went a little crazy.” You people are Dbags as well. I don’t mean to make light of what is obviously an incredibly serious matter for millions of people, but this is my only outlet, and I struggle with the whole serious thing.
POSTED OCTOBER 22, 2009
THE CUSTOMER SERVICE DBAG
I am unlike many in the sense that calling up a Vermont Customer Service Rep yet talking to someone who is quite possibly in India doesn’t really bother me. So long as I can understand the rep, and they can understand me, everything is just peachy. Such was the case last night. However, this guy was also an effing moron. We spoke/he had me on hold for about 35 minutes trying to figure out a current promotion that he could offer to lower my bill. I mean, the guy really went out of his way for me, I was incredibly appreciative. Until he told me after all that time, that since my current promotion was still active he could not do anything for me. This was at about 10:30 PM, my promotion ran out 90 minutes later. I proceeded with the whole “loyal customer for 6 years, always pay on time, yada yada yada” (which might make me a bit of a dbag in my own right). When I asked him why he wasn’t able to figure out the promotion issue for over half an hour his answer was simple, “Sorry sir, I just didn’t notice it.” This is ultimately what makes him a Dbag, isn’t it his job to notice shit like that and keep me a satisfied customer?
POSTED OCTOBER 11, 2009
THE GREEDY ASSHOLE DBAG
Ok, so maybe this is a gut reaction and I should have waited more than 7 minutes after that loss to post, but Jon Papelbon…you sir, are a Dbag. As one of the most dominant closers from 2006-2008, you inspired millions of Papelboners around the world; but then you got greedy. You decided that your arm motion was a little too violent, and might not allow you to pitch until you are 38, so instead of making 180 million dollars from baseball, you might only make 160. As a result, your pitching suffered. All through this season you walked a fine line between being a great closer and being a 5th option out of the bullpen. Today, that line came back to bite you in the ass. Theo should punish you by trading you to the effing Kansas City Royals…have fun with your new arm motion pitching in front of lifeless fans (actually, that’s harsh…I admittedly don’t know a thing about KC fans, I just know the team sucks). You are the sole embodiment of what is wrong with sports today…I rooted for you because as a diehard sox fan, I have to. I honestly hope I don’t have to continue to do so in 2010 and beyond.
POSTED SEPTEMBER 20, 2009
THE DRUNKEST GUY AT THE WEDDING DBAG
I finished my wedding reception binge this weekend. All were fun, beautiful, amazing, yada yada yada. By nature, all wedding receptions (and any general adult theme party) must have a drunkest guy there, but not all drunkest guys are made equal. The drunkest guy at this latest wedding is actually “drunkest guys.” Three dbags were peer pressuring each other to keep up on imbibed drinks before 6 pm. They pretended to know how to dance all night, but really just jumped around and sang 80’s cover songs at the top of their lungs (ok so one of them had some moves and was dancing with a very attractive female, but the husband cut in). They were the last three at the after hours bonfire, most likely taking a leak on it to put it out…at least an hour after everyone had left. And they topped it off by stumbling into the farmhouse where the newly married couple was staying at about 2am, and passed out in the open beds and couches…only to wake up and find the female photographer asleep on the hardwood floor.
Note 1: The newly married couple were almost as drunk as these three dbags and thus were not awaken.
Note 2: The female photographer was nowhere to be found when the three dbags passed out, so they can not be blamed.
Note 3: Although myself and two good friends were said dbags, I don’t really regret any of it and had a blast (and I’m relatively sure we added to the party, as opposed to subracting from it.
POSTED SEPTEMBER 8, 2009
THE PRICE IS RIGHT DBAG
So over the last week or so, given my exhaustive schedule of 9 hours of class/week and absolutely nothing else, I’ve found myself watching The Price is Right every so often (which may or may not may in fact make ME a d-bag, but that’s neither here nor there). Why must every single winner on every different level act like a complete and utter douchebag? Has anyone been to the show? Can someone tell me that every single audience member gets told to celebrate like a complete asshole at every stage of the competition. Listen, I totally understand screaming like a female when Kobe Bryant saunters into a bar (ok, so he was found innocent, but clearly I don’t agree) if you win a new car (even if it’s a fucking Mitsubishi Galant) or the showcase showdown. But please, spare me the routine if you win a new dinette set, or if your name merely gets called, because as proved here around the :30 second mark, it could get you into a bit of trouble.
POSTED SEPTEMBER 2, 2009
The Ultimate Fan D-Bag:
I have no issue with the guy who wears the jersey of his favorite player to a game, I’ve even done it occasionaly. I don’t even really have an issue with a face painter…I mean I would never, but if people want to go all Puddy on me and ‘support the team,’ I’m all for it. I do have a major fucking issue with the tennis fan that shows up to an event not only decked out in a full Nike Drifit outfit, but carrying his racket bag along like he is going to step out and hit a few balls with Andy Roddick.
For those that have never been to a tennis match, sounds made up, right? Wrong. Extremely fucking wrong. Go to Flushing Meadows over Labor Day weekend, and even though there are only about 100 competitors left, there will be a few thousand who look ready to play. They fall in two categories – 1. Young kids who thinks it looks cool. Well kids, it doesn’t. But I can excuse you because you are young and stupid. #2 is a far worse offense – the middle-aged man who thinks that by dressing the part, he will be transplanted back to his glory days of playing first doubles on his high school varsity team. Stay home, Dbag.
The Annoying Student Dbag:
Hey buddy, I know you think you are the man and are impressing our professor by talking a shitload in the first class of the year. You aren’t, I promise you. Most professors have been around the block a few times…they know you. They know you will probably not have anything remotely substantial to say all semester long, and will merely alienate your fellow classmates. In fact, you have already alienated me to the point that if we have to do any group projects together, I will most likely sabotage it on purpose, caring more about giving you a shitty grade, then getting a good one myself. So do everyone a favor, including yourself, and pipe down.
POSTED AUGUST 13, 2009
The Original D-Bag post:
I’ve decided to change it up a little today, and instead of picking out a specific topic, I’m just going to elaborate on a few types of dbags I’ve come across in recent days. Actually, that is a bit unfair…because admittedly I don’t really know these people, so they might actually be somewhat cool, but they definitely exhibited dbag qualities.
1. I guess it’s one thing to be sloppily making out at a bar, whilst drunk, after midnight…but at 7:30 while people are trying to eat around you? Please, take that shit home. It embarrasses you, and makes me feel awkward. Also, when the bartender is trying to explain the specials to me, stop waving your glasses in his face trying to get his attention.
2. On my way home tonight, I got stuck behind a car doing 45 in a 50…but only being about 2 miles from my place I decided to just chill out and let the melodic voice of Joe Castiglione* keep me company for the last few minutes. Next thing I know some Honda Civic comes out of nowhere and screams past both of us. Now, passing a couple people might make you a reckless driver, but not necessarily a dbag. However, merely driving a tricked out Civic with decals and a 12 inch spoiler, does INDEED make you a dbag.
3. I was at a bar in Burlington recently, and not only was a kid wearing sweats, he was wearing bright white cargo sweatSHORTS. Yeah, you read that correctly, sweatfuckingshorts. He was also about 7 feet tall and furiously made out with my 5 foot tall friend…and stepped on her foot in the process, slicing it open. Best of all, he is underage to boot! So, who is the bigger dbag in this scenario, the giant kid with white cargo sweatshorts, or my friend that made out with him?
* The fact that I just used the word ‘melodic’ to describe the Red Sox radio play by play guy might make me a dbag as well…that and my addiction to fantasy sports and bad movies from the 1980’s like, “Masters of the Universe.”
Anxiously awaiting Nifer’s choices…
POSTED AUGUST 13, 2009