HE SAID: Swimming Pool & Beach Attire

January 20, 2010

It is hard to actually write about this topic without some feeling of guilt.  I thought about writing this last week when I was on vacation in Maui, and one couple came down the pool in horrific attire, and it frustrated me.  But then I had lunch at the pool bar and saw the devastation in Haiti, and realized I was in no real position to complain.  So, to our faithful readers, before you read on, take a minute to at least think about donating.  I’m not going to sit on a pedastal and tell you that you MUST, but at least think about it – http://www.redcross.org/.

That being said, if ESPN can go on reporting sports scores and Fox News can go on creating their own news, Nifer and I can continue or sometimes witty banter about relatively mundane subjects.

Now, many people think tackling what guys should wear is simple – wear a regular bathing suit, not speedos.  While this may be rule #1, it is not the only thing to think about.  Take a look at this guy to our right…he is wearing a ‘regular’ bathing suit.  But guess what, he also has more hair/square inch than most apes.  My advice, wear a shirt.  The most obvious complaint from a gentleman like this would be “but then I can’t get color.”  First off all, sun can lead to cancer, so consider it a medical issue.  Secondly, no way sun is getting through that effing hair anyway, so what’s the difference?  Just spare everyone and cover rug on your back up.  And with regards to the shirt, the bigger you are, the looser the shirt.

Females can be a bit more complicated, mainly because there are so many more options.  Full coverage one piece, sexy one pieces, granny bikinis (bikinis that leave lots to the imagination), string bikinis, thong bikinis, yada yada yada.  It also becomes a bit more complicated for women because no matter how terrible a body might look in a certain type of bathing suit, they are not as hairy (hopefully) as guys, and thus have every right to want to get some color on as much of their body as possible.

But seriously, certain women should not be in bikinis.  And believe me, I’m not trying to further the typical American notion of all skin and bones, the fact that some people in our country think Jlove Hewitt is fat bewilders me; and my goal is not to given females eating disorders (not that I am so narcossistic as to believe anyone reading this would actually let it have an effect on their lives).  All that said, the chicks to our left DO NOT belong in bikinis.

And don’t think I’m sitting on my high horse just preaching this.  I practice as well…I found a very unpopulated part of the pool area on my first day knowing that my ghostly white skin would not only freak people out, but would honestly probably give people eye damage without proper sunglasses.

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SHE SAID: Swimming Pool & Beach Attire

January 20, 2010

Bathing suits are like religion.  Maybe paying a little less attention to what others are wearing or observing would have resulted in less war and bloodshed and centuries of misunderstanding.  At one point in time, wearing a boy short bikini bottom would have gotten you rounded up and at the very best, killed quickly.  Jams, once the height of popularity were suddenly considered the cloth of the damned.  An infant, found floating down a river in a basket donning a speedo was found by a compassionate woman who speedily changed him into a pair of board shorts and because of this, his life was spared.  He later went on to spearhead the tankini movement.

Do not take your bathing attire lightly.  You will be judged.  And mightily so.

And that’s just the half of it.  Don’t get me started on ugly people, or imperfect bodies.  People like that shouldn’t even go out in public.  It’s embarrassing for humanity and there’s a new study out from doctors in Australia suggesting that if you are exposed to such an atrocity for even a short period of time, your lifespan is shortened by 10 years.

Picture a beach scene … you’re scanning the horizon moments before laying down to catch a few z’s in the sun.  The woman behind you is about to get up and move because your bacne is ruining her ocean view.  And the little boy collecting sea shells just started staring at your toe jam and matching bunion will spend years of therapy trying to get over it.  Your lack of a tan is too blinding even for the protection offered by polarized glasses – this is in spite of the almost full body coverage of your freckles.  And when you sit up like that, your stomach fat wrinkles.  Stop it.  It’s gross.  You’re ruining the beach for everyone.

We should have a voting system where those around you can opt on whether or not you have the right to wear a bathing suit in public.  Whether they want to be forced to view your body and all it’s hang ups.  It’s the humane thing to do.

Jeremy and I would never know the feel of sun on our bare skin again.