HE SAID: The Doctor’s Office

March 16, 2011

“See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to *hold* the reservation…” Seinfeld.

Substitute the word ‘appointment’ for ‘reservation,’ and you get pretty much every single experience I have had with the doctor, and dentist for that matter. Yesterday I had an appointment to have a cyst removed from my lip at 330 (fyi, I really wanted to post this last night, it would have been super fun to try to hash all these thoughts out knocked up on some painkillers, but I already ramble enough incomprehensibly…so alas). It was a relatively minor operation, which only took 30 minutes once I got on the table. It was getting on the table that was the difficult part. I knew I was in trouble when my mother, who has been to this office a few times before for some benign skin cancer removal (and probably some botox even though she won’t admit it), asked me, “How many pages left do you have in that book?”

Me, “Book? What book? Reading is for losers and geeks that don’t get girls.” Then I remembered I am a geek who doesn’t get girls, so I said, “about 40 pages.”

She said, “You might want to bring another book.”

I did, and I read about 35 pages of that one before I finally got called in for surgery prep…and then another 15 while I waited for the doctor to finally come in.

Listen, I’m not going to sit here and complain that the doctor should have seen me as soon as I stepped into his office, because that would be detrimental to other people. But I can sit here and bitch about the system itself. I mean I guess if a new doctor is opening a new practice and doesn’t fully comprehend how long each type of appointment takes I can understand why delays might happen. I can even understand that more established doctros can’t foresee every single delay. So it’s not as if I expect to be seen on time each and every single time I go see a doctor or dentist. But once, just effing once, I’d like to check in for a 3:30 appointment at 3:28, take a leak, and get called in.

I was going to write an entire paragraph or more about how they should stop over scheduling, and leave a little more leeway for patients…but that would’ve launched me into doctors chasing more money than they already make, but that would’ve launched me into our healthcare system in general, and this is neither the time or place. Besides, my Dad is a doctor, doesn’t chase money, and sees ALL his patients on time…

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SHE SAID: The Doctor’s Office

March 16, 2011

Hi, Jeremy.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  I’m Nifer, your co-blogger, and people like me are the reason why doctor’s offices run late.  Perhaps you’ve read my earlier post on the importance of being on time.  Or seen one of my kind running in 15 minutes after the appointment and being handed the clipboard of epic paperwork to fill out before we can even think of seeing the doctor.  We’re annoying as all hell, and if it makes you feel any better, I get rolled eyes, nasty nurses, and satanic receptionists on a regular basis.  It’s all part of my master plan to help you find more time to read.

But more importantly, I want to point out what a champion idiot you are for scheduling anything medically related past 11 am.  I thought everyone knew you just do not schedule doctor’s appointments for the afternoon.  Due to assholes like myself who thinks the world can wait for them, emergency appointments and patients (laugh lines can sneak up on you and when they do, I find Botox needs to be injected immediately) and long question and answer sessions for many appointments, there is no way in hell a doctor’s office is operating on schedule come 11 am.

You’re old enough to know better.

I’m worried I need to remind you, or alert you of other things I just assumed you knew.  When it’s cold out, put on a hat, a jacket, or both.  Don’t ask a woman you’re having an argument with if she’s “on her period”.  Use something other than a metal utensil while cooking in a non-stick pan.  Don’t refer to another woman as the C-word in front of 99.9% of women.  If someone writes you an email needing your credit card number and social security number, it’s a scam.

What else have I assumed you knew all this time?!