I excel at many different aspects of my life. But for everything I excel at, there is something I suck at as well. The thing I suck at the most, is probably grocery shopping. I go about once a week, and pick up more or less the same type stuff every time: some salad fixings, bread, a rotisserie chicken, cheese, a few apples and bananas, some soup, maybe a frozen pizza, and some form of a snack (this week it was mint milano cookies, last week it was chewy chips ahoy). Ok ok, none of you giving a flying eff, but the point is, the things I need is not exactly extensive, and yet somehow I manage to screw it up each and every time. I mean, I even screwed it up writing this blog, I usually pick up some thin spaghetti and pasta sauce as well.
People tell me that I should make a list. Clearly, as exemplified by my stupidity above, that would do me absolutely no good. If I make a list, there is no way I’m deviating from it once I get to the grocery store, I simply don’t have that mental capacity when it comes to food. Get me on a tennis court, and I can go from plan A to plan B to plan C, get me in your local Shaw’s Supermarket and I’m like an eight year old that wanders into the middle of a movie, I have no frame of reference. At least if I go into the market without a list, I have a fighting chance of somehow ending up with everything I need in my cart.
Ok, now that I’ve got most of the food I need, I’m ready to head to the checkout lines. This is always a complete shitshow. I usually have just enough food where using the self-check just is too much of a pain in the ass. Besides, most people that use them seem to turn into Ritards once they have to scan their own items. There should be a general IQ test that screens people before they use the self-checkout (a bit hypocritical, I realize, given I can’t even properly shop, but at least my issues aren’t holding anyone else up).
With the regular lines, the issue seems to be a lack of baggers. Maybe it’s due to the economy, but I feel like up until about two years ago everytime I bought groceries, a bagger would bag them. Now it’s more like a 50/50 shot. Bottom line is I, like most people, can bag my own groceries. The difference is, I am not nearly as experienced and thus much less effecient at it. So are most other people, and as a result, the lines get clogged and my fudgesicles start to melt. Oh yeah, I probably forgot to mention I get fudgesicles too. Eff it, to anyone reading I’ll pay you to be my personal grocery shopper.