HE SAID: Lame Shoes

July 22, 2009

Ironically, it is super lame for a male to write a blog about lame shoes, but given what I saw this weekend at Vermont Brewfest, I have deemed it absolutely necessary to unburden my soul.  So, I have decided to rant about Teva’s, how lame they are, and how lame they have always been.  While it may be unconventional for our typical posts, Nifer is free to choose whatever shoes she wishes to shit on.

Look at this picture – somehow, American teenagers thought looking like that was cooler than rollerblading in the mid 1990’s.  How the fuck is this even remotely possible?  Did that one super cool lax player sport Teva’s at his New England Boarding school one day, with his Nantucket Red Shorts, and they just spread like wildfire?

I know what the marketing ploy was – sandals you could wear to the beach and still be active in, as opposed to just regular old flip-flops.  You know what else work? A pair of sneakers.  Don’t want to get sand on your trendy New Balances (shit, I wear trendy New Balances), then wear a pair of old sneakers.  Better yet, you are at the fucking beach – don’t wear anything on your feet.

You know what the worst part is?  In 1995, my Dad had a pair of Teva’s and I didn’t.  And I was so jealous.  I wanted the straps, I wanted to be tan on half of my feet with white stripes cris-crossing.  Actually, that’s a lie, I wanted to have burnt red feet with white stripes cris-crossing.  Thankfully, my parents instead sent me off to camp that summer with a some tennis sneakers and a pair of shower flip flops.

But they also sent me with a bag full of rollerblading gear, and I probably looked like more of a dbag than this guy.  I guess that’s a bit of a digression, which is a sing it’s a good time to stop ripping people who thought this was cool.  So, Nifer, what about you? Do you agree Teva’s are lamer than any other shoe fashion? Anyone else who cares to weigh in feel free to leave a comment…


SHE SAID: Lame Shoes

July 22, 2009

There are so many options here, but I’m going to stick with a fad, as you clearly have, and while Crocs are just begging to be dubbed the ugliest shoes known to man yet again, I have to go with a relatively recent and new “invention”.


That just happened.  Vibram FiveFingers, “alternative performance footwear”, come in other, more offensive colors (ie: camo in case you want to point out to others that you’re an asshole without them having to go through the trouble of talking to you) and also come in mid calf height, in case the slipper variation wasn’t ugly enough for you.

These are one of those inventions that are supposedly life changing and really great for your feet, posture and balance.  However, I maintain that there is a way to do this without making your client look like a cartoon character.  Unless another goal was to have people point and laugh at the wearer, which, I mean, that’s funny.  I get it.

I agree that Tevas are horrendous, but what makes them the most horrendous is the socks worn in conjunction … while these are just really fucking ugly and whoever designed them should be placed in solitary confinement and heavily medicated so they not only design anything else, but don’t even conceive of another design.

Another point: we both chose shoes for the water enthusiast.  Clearly there is a market here for decent looking shoes that one can wear while boating, fishing, clamming, what have you.  Flip flops don’t stay on.  And while Jeremy thinks we should all save our beat up shoes instead of tossing them, I disagree.  Laces suck when you’re in a hurry and canvas and leather are not ideal for the water and don’t usually dry out overnight if you’re planning to use them two days in a row.  And not all of us, once we are over ten, want leather summer feet (not really sexy while playing footsie in bed).

So, Tevas are ugly, these are uglier, Keens are too bulbous, and Crocs are what to wear when you don’t want to get laid.  Questions?