SHE SAID: PDA

May 18, 2009

We’re getting boring here because I agree with you on this point as well.

I don’t know anyone who would willingly admit to liking PDA.  And I’m also pretty sure that’s not because I hang out with people who are pretty low key.  I think other than many attention starved and insecure middle school girls, most people aren’t that into it.

While I have been guilty of PDA, I’m not a fan, I don’t want my friends to see the private moments of my love or like life while we’re out having a good time all together.  I love when a guy I’m with pulls me towards him by grabbing my belt loop or feeling the warmth of his breath on my shoulder while we’re out.  It’s incredibly sexy and low key, which is what makes it tantalizing.

Have we all been somewhere with friends and had one of them unnecessarily groping someone in our company?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say hell yeah.  Are drinks usually involved?  Hopefully, because I would have to reconsider a friendship if sobriety and PDA were closely linked.  To be super specific, if I’m sitting at a table, committed to my location to a certain extent, trying to talk to a friend who either has their tongue down someone’s throat or has someone else’s tongue down their throat, I’m annoyed.  If I wanted to watch a good sex scene, I wouldn’t request any of my friend’s appearances in said film, and that, essentially, is what dislike of PDA boils down to.

I’m not annoyed because my friends are throwing their happiness in my face, I think that’s kind of a lame reason to dislike PDA.  Simply enough, it’s not necessary, and there’s nothing being thrown in anyone’s face.  We’ve all been guilty of it at one point in time, regretted it like hell (if we remembered the offense the next morning), and taken the shit that our friends dish out as we should.

On a side note, probably best that you didn’t pick up your phone, if you couldn’t hear it, it probably wouldn’t have been the best night of sex either of you had ever had.

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HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss Round 3

May 15, 2009

Another round of Marry/Fuck/Toss to brighten up a Friday morning.

Jeremy’s three picks to marry, fuck, or toss off a cliff are: Salma Heyek, Halle Berry and Angelina Jolie.  And no, you can’t have sex with one before tossing her, Jeremy.  If you are looking for rules and round 1, click here.  For round 2, click here.marry-fuck-toss-selmahalleangelina

Well, I’ll tell you what I’d like to do…after David Ortiz left 12 men on base by himself in an extra innings loss, the Celtics blew a late lead forcing themselves into another Game 7, and the Bruins lost a game 7 in sudden death overtime (on a goal scored by someone who probably should’ve been suspended no less), I’d like to toss myself off a cliff, getting hit in the balls by every jutting rock and tree branch on the way down, because that would feel better than the way I feel right now.

But that is not an option, so instead I will force myself to choose amongst the three you have selected for me.  This is actually the easiest one you have presented me thus far, I’ll save the suspense: Jolie is getting cliffed, Berry is getting fucked, and I’ll marry Hayek.

The reasoning is quite simple – Salma Hayek was the first actress I saw explicitly nude on the big screen, in the movie “Desperado,” and I feel like I owe her for that.  I’d cook her breakfast in bed, get her anything she wants, so long as her breasts were uncovered for at least 75% of our marriage. 

I’d like the chance to spend an evening with Halle Berry, while having sex, but mostly I really want to discuss becoming her manager.  Whoever she currently has managed to turn an Oscar winning performance into Gothika and Catwoman, I figure I can pitch her the idea of managing her career, make a shit ton of money and get off at the same time!

Lastly, there is Jolie.  While I find her seductive and she would probably rock my world, she also probably rocked her brother’s world, and that’s just a bit too creepy for me.  And let’s not forget what she did to Jennifer Aniston.  I can picture it now, tossing Angelina off the cliff screaming “You ruined Rachel’s life you fucking bitch!”