HE SAID: The 1990s

April 22, 2010

I feel like lots of my time on this blog has been devoted casual references to the epic 1980s.  And besides a few mentions of shows like Beverly Hills, 90210 and Saved by the Bell, we really haven’t given enough credence to the 1990s.  Lots of cool shit went down in the 90s, and I’d like to tell you about some of them

1. The first thing that stands out is 1990s movies that tried so desperately to pretend they were still in the 80s.  Side Out, Days of Thunder, Point Break, Aspen Extreme…all movies made in the 90s.  Hell, Aspen Extreme was made in 1993! Oh and sidenote – if you haven’t seen Side Out, the beach volleyball movie starring C. Thomas Howell and Courtney Throne Smith, netflix the shit out of it.  These movies, from the cheesy soundtracks to the wardrobes scream 1980s, and its sweet.

2. Remember when you could wear a flannel shirt because Eddie Vedder rocked one? Or a cardigan because Kurt Cobain made them popular (I refuse to mention Mr. Rogers, who still gives me nightmares)? Perhaps you forgot, which is easy to do because of all the indie hipsters out there who have made these articles of clothing impossible to wear without the requisite skinny jeans (luckily, we are somewhat safe in Vermont).

3. Speaking of Eddie and Kurt, on the whole the music produced in the 1990s was WAY more memorable than what we get these days.  40 years later and we still talk about the Beatles/Floyd/Zeppelin etc, and in 20 years bands like Nirvana and Pearl Jam will still be known to all (and yes, U effing 2 – though they are an 80s and 90s band).  Hell even Britney Spears will probably be talked about, if only because she’ll be making her 17th comeback.  But music the past 10 years or so, while I’ve enjoyed it, has produced very few, if any bands or artists that have a good chance of making it well into our future. Lady Gaga included.

4. While the 1990s was a decade of futility for teams (Patriots made one super bowl, sucked the rest of the decade; Celtics had their second player in 7 years die of cocaine issues and were a joke; the Red Sox spawned teams that featured names like Damon Buford; and the Bruins weren’t even on anyone’s radar), they were in a sense more enjoyable to watch.  I didn’t know every single thing about every single player – from what PED they were taking to what nightclub they were at trying to have sex with a young coed.  I don’t condone this action, but sometimes ignorance is bliss.

5. I really feel like bad, yet incredibly watchable TV was paramount in the 90s (90210 will not be listed here, it is not a bad show) – Party of Five, Walker Texas Ranger, Melrose Place, Califronia Dreams, Saved the Bell: The College Years, Friends…yup, I said Friends, that show sucked.  Why? Cause Ross is a huge tool. He Said, OUT!

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HE SAID: TV Reunions

March 3, 2010

Fresh off this clip (which is almost a year old, but I just saw it for the first time today), I started thinking quite a bit about what TV show casts I’d like to see reunited.  Clearly, Saved by the Bell is going to be on the list:

#1 – Saved by the Bell – Imagine this get together – the key high school years only.  I’m talking Zack, A.C., Screech, Kelly, Lisa and Jesse.  You know what, screw it…through in Belding, the Carosi’s and Tori as well.  How much fun would it be to see them hanging out at the Max again, knowing that Dustin Diamond has only made it through the past couple of decades because of a sex tape (where apparently he shows off his rather large midsection).  And chances are pretty high that Jesse Spano ended up addicted to drugs in real life after the Showgirls debacle…

#2 – Full House – What could be better than Danny Tanner (who we all know now is a dirty pervert) trying to give life lessons to Stephanie, who had a meth addiction I believe, and the effing Olsen twins.  Actually, I want this to be on HBO or something, I want to see Rebecca Donaldson-Katsopolis naked.

#3 – BH 90210 – As if you didn’t know this was going to make this list.  Do we think Brandon and Dylan still have the same sweet haircuts? Did Kelly turn out normal after getting raped, addicted to coke, raped again, almost dying in a fire, murdering her rapist, etc etc etc?  What do Donna’s boobs like like now? Is Andrea in a Jewish nursing home yet? The questions are literally endless.

#4 – Small Wonder – Is Vicki the Robot still alive? If so, does she have any “issues” because her brother Jamie definitely tried to hook up with her at some point.  I mean, it’s a robot…not REALLY his sister.

#5 – Golden Girls – Yes, I realize Sophia and Dorothy are no longer with us.  But I’d still be interested.  How are Rose and Blanche coping with a house of just two?  We all know Rose is still killing it in comedy, her super bowl commercial was pretty epic, even spawning a “Have Betty White host SNL” facebook group.  The real wonder is that Blanche is somehow still alive, and hasn’t died from multiple STD’s.  She was the first women I came across that I knew was a slut.

I wonder in 15 or so years if my list will look similar.  I can tell you one thing, the Lost cast will not be added…you know how I want this show to end, I want them all to die, because I hate them, just like a I hate JJ Abrams and Damon Lindelfucker.


SHE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

June 12, 2009

It’s been almost a month since everyone’s favorite game.  This time I will force Nifer to choose between the three main characters with male genitalia from Saved by the Bell (unfortunately, Mr. Belding did not make the cut.  Again, she is not choosing between the actors today (random TV show host, long-haired lawyer, and B Movie Porn Star), but instead the characters from the early 90’s that we remember so fondly – AC Slater, Zack Morris & Screech Powers.

This game is starting to be not so fun because every time I play it makes me want to gag and/or vomit and requires me to roofie myself before considering sleeping or sometimes even touching with any of the gentlemen you suggest so kindly.  I know in order to play the game I need to go there, but you’re asking me here to consider something pretty horrific, and what’s even worse is that I’m relieved after the last three you suggested.  Also, can I make a request that we move on from the 90’s while playing this game?  Okay, I’m done bitching.

I’m going to marry Zack Morris – his sweater collection would keep me entertained for years and well equipped for lame holiday parties and the like.  It would save me trips to the thrift store and at least $25 of lame sweater purchases.  Yes, I am choosing to marry someone based on the fact that his lame sweater collection rivals and arguably beats out that of Alex Trebek.

I’m going to fuck Screech Powers because he strikes me as the most “giving” of the three although it would be akward and quick, I’m sure.

Lastly, I would toss AC Slater since I imagine himself kissing his biceps while climaxing and let’s face it, does he even need someone else there while he’s peaking?  I think that position is optional.