SHE SAID: Case of the Mondays

October 6, 2010

I have a case of the Mondays on Wednesday, so it seemed more appropriate to post today.

For starters, here is an interesting grid from xkcd.

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Here are some fabulous paper cut outs by Bovey Lee.  Since I cannot even do the traditional boy and girl holding hands, I’m in awe.

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While in college at Duke University, this industrious student kept reports of all of her hookups.  Some of the highlights are listed here.  While she created a power point presentation for friends, she claims to never have intended the report to go viral or humiliate those named (too bad Deadspon included the names when it originally posted the list).


HE SAID: Our Song

March 12, 2010

First off, I’d like to note that Nifer’s throw in line “why couldn’t I have some more legendary artists in there to keep Eddie and Kurt company?” is an effing sham.  She only wrote that after I read her draft and told her, “just an FYI, I’m going to rip you a new a-hole for claiming Pearl Jam & Nirvana aren’t legendary.”  I shouldn’t have given her the chance.  Bottom line is, to lump Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain in the same ‘non-legendary’ catergory as Steve Miller and Ja Rule is lamer than having a song.  Even lamer – correcting that mistake after the fact so you don’t appear to be too much of a musical loser.

Speaking of lame, you know what song defines me, this one –

There really isn’t much else to say on the matter.  90% of the people who know me somewhat well, would most likely answer the question “what song defines Jeremy?” with “Total Eclipse of the Heart.”  I don’t need to go into detail about how, or why, just accept it.  Because at the end of the day, Bonnie Tyler wrote one helluva song back in ’83.

But there are other snippets of my life I’ll allow you into:

My father, legend that he is, bought the Pearl Jam album ‘Ten’ because they had a song named after me.  Little did he know 6 years later I’d be spending over $100 on a few t-shirts at my first concert.

Eric Clapton’s ‘Wonderful Tonight’ reminds me of the first time I danced with a girl when I was 9.  Her name was Caroline, she was 12.  She gave me a peck on the cheek after the song was over…yada yada yada…I learned what the word ‘obsession’ meant that summer.  It’s all good though, we are facebook friends today!

For those with their mind in the gutter, there was no music on the first time I had sex.  And even if there was, unless it was a commercial jingle, NO WAY was the song going to finish.

I used to listen to ‘Machinehead’ by Bush before any tennis match I had during my later teenage years.  Hmm, I wonder if that had anything to do with me getting worse as time went on.

Powderfinger, Avril Lavigne and Phantom Planet bring me back to summer 2002.  Why do I mention this? Just to show Nifer that it doesn’t how ‘legendary’ an artist is, so long as they are legendary to you.

And because I struggle to end so cheesily, “Hallelujah” by Jeff Buckley brings me back to October of 2004.  The opening line of the song is, “I heard there was a secret chord, that David played and it pleased the lord…” Do I need to explain myself here? I hope not, but lets just say I played the opening moments to that song every time #34 stepped up to bat that postseason.  I like to think I am responsible for the Red Sox winning that World Series.


SHE SAID: Case of the Mondays?

March 1, 2010

Whole new meaning to safe sex…

How much more entertaining would this guy have made sex-ed class?

Thanks, Pascale for sending this on!

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Molson Gold-en

For some reason, the IOC is pissed that the Canadian women were celebrating in public after winning the gold medal in hockey.  They are investigating.  Apparently they were tipped off by an AP reporter who called to tattletale and ask for a comment.

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Zoolander 2

The long wait is over – it’s in the initial stages. And Owen Wilson has agreed to come back as Hansel.

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Play

5 imaginary movies about your favorite games as a kid.  No, Life and Clue, the obvious ones, aren’t in here.

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Olympic Athlete Profiles

The Onion profiles some of this years Olympians.  Thanks, Dan.


HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

October 23, 2009

It’s Friday.  Well, unless Daphne is reading this, in which case it’s early Saturday.

And Friday afternoons were sort of made for games or at least a little humor because otherwise you drive yourself mad looking at a ticking second hand, or in this day and age, a blinking semi-colon.

Of course, if you’re Jeremy, you’re in the steam room right now contemplating which movie character to somehow work into your next paper.

I digress.

Jeremy’s three are:

1. Lucy, from Seventh Heaven

2. Blossom, from Blossom

3. DJ Tanner, from Full House

teen_females

Um, Nifer this is more twisted than my cartoon game.  I really don’t know where to go here, but since I have the power, I’m changing my portion of the game to Play House/Necking out on Rocky Point/Toss…just so this blog doesn’t force me to sign up for the National Sex Registry.

This selection is actually quite easy…I’m playing house with Blossom.  For two reasons.  Reason #1 is obvious – she is a Hebrew, like myself.  Reason #2 has more to do with the negatives of playing house with DJ Tanner.  Basically I could not put up with Danny Tanner as my father in law, Joey Gladstone making shitty jokes, or simply having Kimmy Gibler being part of my life.  So, I’ll do some heaving petting/necking with DJ.

Lucy is getting tossed.  Originally it was because her bangs were overkill, then I noticed all my suitors have bangs.  But I’m going to offer up a mercy kill here, albeit a bit different than yours (readers – see below).  Where yours was for the rest of mankind, I’m tossin Lucy for her own good.  There is no way she’d grow up normal with a sister as hot as Jessica Biel.  She’d have a plethora of mental health issues, and most likely end up a miserable adult anyway.


SHE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

October 23, 2009

I really miss cliff sex marriage.  So after hearing one of my favorite songs from my childhood (Every Rose Has It’s Thorn by Poison), I decided I’ll let Nifer choose from three icons of the era.  Note, you will not be choosing from the following three people now, but rather who they were in there hay day.  First up, Bret Michales of the aforementioned Poison; just think of the way he’d serenade you to sleep.  Next up, drummer of Motley Crew Tommy Lee. I promise I’ve never seen it,  but apparently there is a homemade porn of him and Pamela on a boat, and rumor has it he might be good for the eff portion of the game; but really, never seen that clip on the internet, ever.  Finally,  I don’t see how you can play this game without Axl, a man who needs no explanation.

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This is tough.  Well done, Jeremy.  They are all so similar that I’m finding myself having to actually think about this one.

I’m going to say, for the sake of the game, that Bret Michaels is pre-Rock of Love Bret Michaels.  Back when glam rock was dominating the charts and I was begging my parents for both the Chipmunks Christmas Album and Def Leppard’s album.  Now, while this demonstrates that glam metal fans clearly have no taste in music, it also shows that even the worst music fan can turn the boat around.  Thankfully, my problem was diagnosed and treated early.

I’m going to marry Tommy Lee.  This is coming from the belief (with no basis in fact) that the guy has to have a good sense of humor based on some of his choices in women, tattoos, etc.

I’m going to sleep with Axl just to say that I did.  But this is at his height.  Before he did the braided dreads thing and tried to fit into his old leather pants and make a comeback.

And that leaves Bret Michaels.  Because I just can’t get over Rock of Love.  Even if I try to pretend we’re going back to the time before … I can’t go back. And, if this tossing takes place before he does that, then it’s really an altruistic action, because I’m sparing America and whatever other countries are suffering through that programming.  So, it’s a GOOD thing.  A humane act of kindness.  A mercy killing … for the rest of us.


SHE SAID: Technology, you’re not helping

September 13, 2009
facebook

source: xkcd.com

Women obsess.  We obsess and over think and tweak out about small stuff sometimes and need to be reminded to calm down.  We make things more difficult than they often times need be, and yes, we expect you to read our minds sometimes even though we give no indication as to what we are thinking or want.  We also, on occasion, obsess about guys.  I like to think I do it less than most, but Jeremy might disagree with me wholeheartedly.

At this point in time, I have more single friends than I have had in a long time.  It’s fun.  We see a lot of each other and we talk a lot more than we would were we all seeing someone.  Inevitably though and more and more frequently, I feel, this talk turns to men and how my friends are looking for a normal guy who won’t cheat on them, doesn’t laze around smoking weed all day, has ambition, likes to laugh and also wants to have sex with them since the days are turning into weeks and months at this point.

Doesn’t seem like a lot to ask.  And yet, the search has made many a sane woman go completely off her rocker.

And what’s more, this access to a million different types of technology is not helping.  So, instead of thinking about a guy all day and wondering why he’s not calling or pursuing her, one friend can check his Facebook page seven times an hour.  Another can email a guy ten times before lunch.  Texting back and forth or sometimes just forth, forwarding on his email for dissection by friends …. the access to information brings the level of obsession through the roof.

But this has been covered.  I admittedly saw He’s Just Not That Into You while stuck on a very long plane ride back from Prague.  Disclaimer: the idea was it would be so bad that I would sleep, instead I was awake and forced to watch a terribly movie on a very tiny screen.  But, I’m used to small screens at this point.  My point being, Drew Barrymore’s character has a funny line about when you’re wondering if a guy is going to contact you, you have way too many places to check (email, myspace, facebook, voicemails on land or cell phones, text, IM ….)

What hasn’t been covered is what happens when the technology we so readily abuse ends up screwing us instead.

Exhibit A: I once dated a guy who didn’t want anyone to know we were dating.  For almost three years, we dated secretly (yes, I have numerous issues stemming from this, but we’ll talk about that another time).  Thinking I was emailing him, I sent on an email to a mutual friend.  The cat was so out of the bag.  What was funnier was my follow up email, pretending I had been kidding in the first.

Exhibit B: A friend, forgetting her crush’s email address, tried to select just his name from a list so she could continue their flirtation.  Instead, she sent on their string of flirtatious emails to all of their mutual friends … one of whom was her brother.

Exhibit C: Another friend, thinking she was emailing someone on Facebook, posted private and intimate details on her boyfriend’s wall.

Exhibit D: Thinking she was texting someone else about breaking up with her boyfriend, a friend ended up sending the text to him instead.  Interestingly enough, it made the whole break up a lot easier than she had anticipated.

Technology, you’re not helping.  You’re making everything easier, more immediate, more accessible, and inevitably harder.  Because you don’t take the giddy factor into the equation.  Our minds are racing, we’re obsessing and over thinking and hoping … and only then we realize we hit the wrong button.  The room for error is just wide enough to provide some disastrous results.

But of course, it all makes for a great story somewhere far enough down the line.


HE SAID: Technology, you ARE helping

September 13, 2009

There are so many places to start, I really am at a loss…so I’ll do what I typically do in real life and let a movie quote do the talking for me:

“Yes, I love technology, but not as much as you, you see… But still, I love technology.” ~ Kip Dynamite

I must agree with Kip here.  There are millions of reasons why I love technology, but when it comes to technology and members of the opposite sex, the main reason I love seems to be exactly why Nifer hates it.  In your post you talk about how instead of merely thinking about someone all day, one can check facebook, email, texting yada yada yada…Isn’t that better than simply thinking about some chick you have a crush on but isn’t concacting you?  At least you might get an answer through technology.

For example, when I was living in Alabama I called this one girl I kind of liked to hang out one day, left a message and didn’t hear back for a couple of hours.  Via facebook, I found out she was “spending the day at the beach with Brad.”  If it had been 1995 instead of 2005, I would’ve been obsessing all day about this broad wondering why she couldn’t pick up her effing phone.  But alas, technology (while it may have given me some rather negative news) came to my rescue…not only did I have the answer as to why she wasn’t calling me back, but I knew never to call that whore again.

Also, I take umbrage with your statement about how technology ends up ‘screwing you.’  Actually, that’s not entirely true…because your statement could indeed be true.  There are many times when technology does indeed screw us.  So, I guess it’s really your Exhibits I take umbrage with; because, it wasn’t technology that screwed the subject of each example, it was the subject that screwed the subject.  Is it technology’s fault you emailed a mutual friend instead of your boyfriend (who wanted to keep you hidden? Are you fucking serious? That’s straight out of an episode of 90210), or that your friend posted ‘intimate details’ on a facebook wall instead of a message?  No, it’s not technology’s fault, it’s your own effing fault.   Just like a typical woman, refusing to take responsibility for your actions…but I digress.

By the way, how ‘intimate’ were these details? Just curious.

Technology also makes things easier for the, how shall I put it, less than confident people.  Instead of having to call a girl, or ask a girl out in person, the less confident people can shoot a text/IM/facebook message without fear of actually hearing the rejection.  I swear, I’m not referring to myself here, but other less than confident people.  Time to wrap up, just got a text from a girl telling me to check my email (which will probably be an email informing me that I have a new facebook wall post).