HE SAID: Marry/Fuck/Toss

October 23, 2009

It’s Friday.  Well, unless Daphne is reading this, in which case it’s early Saturday.

And Friday afternoons were sort of made for games or at least a little humor because otherwise you drive yourself mad looking at a ticking second hand, or in this day and age, a blinking semi-colon.

Of course, if you’re Jeremy, you’re in the steam room right now contemplating which movie character to somehow work into your next paper.

I digress.

Jeremy’s three are:

1. Lucy, from Seventh Heaven

2. Blossom, from Blossom

3. DJ Tanner, from Full House


Um, Nifer this is more twisted than my cartoon game.  I really don’t know where to go here, but since I have the power, I’m changing my portion of the game to Play House/Necking out on Rocky Point/Toss…just so this blog doesn’t force me to sign up for the National Sex Registry.

This selection is actually quite easy…I’m playing house with Blossom.  For two reasons.  Reason #1 is obvious – she is a Hebrew, like myself.  Reason #2 has more to do with the negatives of playing house with DJ Tanner.  Basically I could not put up with Danny Tanner as my father in law, Joey Gladstone making shitty jokes, or simply having Kimmy Gibler being part of my life.  So, I’ll do some heaving petting/necking with DJ.

Lucy is getting tossed.  Originally it was because her bangs were overkill, then I noticed all my suitors have bangs.  But I’m going to offer up a mercy kill here, albeit a bit different than yours (readers – see below).  Where yours was for the rest of mankind, I’m tossin Lucy for her own good.  There is no way she’d grow up normal with a sister as hot as Jessica Biel.  She’d have a plethora of mental health issues, and most likely end up a miserable adult anyway.


HE SAID: SNL (and a little Karate Kid)

May 6, 2009

kenanthompson_performs_in_saturdaynightlive_on_nbc_2007This is not groundbreaking news – but Saturday Night Live, for all intents and purposes, has become possibly the worst television show that is not aired on the UPN.  It is rare that I am actually home on a Saturday evening, which is great, because it means I get to DVR SNL, so I can fast forward all the bad skits.  Well, guess what, I’m done wasting that precious space on my DVR (as you know, Soap reruns of BH 90210 take up somewhat of a decent sized volume), because it has gotten to the point where I’m fast forwarding just about every fucking skit.  With the exception of Mark Wahlberg talking to animals and dick-in-a-box, I can’t come up with another skit that forced more than a chuckle out of my mouth.

I really don’t know how it’s become this bad.  My parent’s generation would say that SNL has been awful since the 80’s when people like Eddie Murphy were still on it.  I mean, I agree that the 90’s with Farley/Spade/McDonald/Sandler were not as good, but they were still watchable, and extremely funny much of the time.  But the cliff SNL has fallen off the last decade is almost unprecedented.  I say ‘almost’ because it has happened.  The Karate Kid Franchise has followed much of the same path as SNL.

karate3_iThink about it…Karate Kid 1 was like the 70s – just about flawless.  Karate Kid 2 (where Daniel San and his gay older lover, er, karate instructor, Mr. Miyagi go to Okinawa) was still very entertaining, as was SNL in the 80’s, but it wasn’t quite up to the standards of the original.  Karate Kid 3 and the 90’s of SNL had their moments (John Kreese faking his death, the ‘van down by the river’ skit to name a couple), yet you could tell it was on a road to nowhere good.  Then Karate Kid 4 came along, where Miyagi became a bisexual instructor and took on Hilary Swank, who by the way, went on to star in 90210 and of course, win an oscar.  This, much like SNL the past decade, was a complete and total disaster.

The only thing that could make either worse would be to continue.  It would not surprise me to see SNL continue, because it still does fairly well ratings wise considering its time slot.  But there is no way Karate Kid will continue, right? I mean, Will Smith would never produce a remake with his 11-year old son playing the part of Daniel or Jackie Chan as Miyagi, right?

SHE SAID: SNL (and no Karate Kid)

May 6, 2009

I’m going to challenge you on your worst television show line.  The “Real Housewives…” series makes me want to rip my fingernails off and there are even fewer redeeming moments than SNL.

Given your busy internet dating schedule, I’m glad you’re able to keep up with the skits on SNL.  I don’t know if you were able to catch any of the skits from about August to November of 2008, but they were hysterical and also not in the 70’s.  In fact, there is a belief that this skit was the turning point in Palin’s tryst with the American public. More people viewed the skit of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler doing their rendition of the Katie Couric interview than the actual interview.  At times, I was pretty sure the Republican party had nominated Palin to the ticket to provide more comedic material for Lorne Michaels et al.  He had to create a Thursday night show for Weekend Edition because they had that much material!  SNL has had such an impact on not only this past election, but politics in general that a phrase was coined: The SNL Effect.

After the 2008 election, I’m going to agree with you that the show tanked, or at the very least, lost Tina Fey and quickly resumed mostly stinking.  However, I think it’s still worth watching, only because with a revolving cast and it’s sometimes witty and comedic commentary on current events, it’s worthy of the DVR slot.  Or, just random hilarity, as evidenced by current cast members like Andy Samberg’s music videos and Kristen Wiig’s physical comedy.

I can’t really respond to the whole Karate Kid bit only because I have never watched any of those movies.  Sounds like I should have watched the first one instead of the first hour of Forrest Gump.  But I will steal a line from Reality Bites and say that SNL is like pizza and sex: even when it’s bad, it’s still good.

SHE SAID: US vs. Euro Ads

May 4, 2009

A friend of mine sent me this link the other day

When I passed it on to my friend Sara, she immediately identified it as a European ad (she’s wicked smart and savvy).

I then realized that a lot of the ads I like, the ones I think are smart and funny and the most interesting, are usually European.  American advertising consists of mainly car ads (some horrible rendition of a once much loved song and quick cuts of a fast car), pharmaceuticals (a testimonial so we can put a face to male enhancement issues and our father’s can relate to that nice looking man in the v neck cardigan), and beer.  Maybe I’m giving away the kind of television I’m watching that those are the ads playing, but in any case, I know there’s not much else out there.  And whatever is, even while funny, isn’t nearly as clever as Europe’s.

European ads are usually pretty sexy, and while I don’t think that’s always necessary, I do think most of those ads wouldn’t fly over here, given our love of the puritan moral system and our need to protect our children from anything mildly sexual.  God forbid they should be exposed to something sexual, or even worse, as Jane Jackson knows all too well, see a boob!  No, I am not saying all advertising should jump on the Abercrombie and Fitch bandwagon, but it is weird how shy we are of our bodies (other than the male enhancement phenomenon, which is astounding).

I was in Europe as a young teenager and I passed a billboard for Milk.  The image was a naked man with a towel draped over his waist lying on his side with his back to the viewer and a naked woman was also on her side proped up on her elbow, peeking over him (no, you couldn’t see anything).  The caption was: Milk.  For Stronger Bones.  Might be the best ad I’ve seen to date and you’d never see that in the States because it would be too sexual, even though it’s subtle and tastefully done.

Given our love of the “sex sells” theory, you’d think American advertising could come up with something more artfully devious than the Swedish bikini team for beer.  How about this or this.  Is the woman being objectified?  You betcha.  But at least she’s getting something done instead of splashing water and smiling.  Plus, opening a beer with your cleavage is pretty sweet.  I’m still perfecting the art.  Selling cars?  Here’s one.  Or this one that doesn’t use humor, sex or Bon Jovi but is just settling for being superterrific.

For our viewing pleasure, American advertisers, feel free to use sex.  It’s one of the biggest motivaters of all time and our country could use a real sexual revolution.  All I ask is that you use it well.

HE SAID: US vs. Euro Ads

May 4, 2009

I don’t want to ruin your credibility, Nifer, but I’m pretty sure you are the last person who should be commenting on television advertisements.  Can you even see the ads on that tiny, piece of shit tv? Maybe, but even if you can you claim you don’t want to upgrade it because you “never watch tv.”

I can sit here and disagree with you, and provides tons of youtube examples of funny and/or sexy U.S. based television commercials.  This is sexy, albeit made less sexy over time because obviously the main subject apparently tried to run the 100 yard dash in a 90 yard gym.  Or what about this one?  Granted, it is a Victoria’s Secret ad, but they sure as hell aren’t selling support and padding…they are selling sex.

That being said, you are 100% on the ball with your post.  It’s not just European either, it’s everywhere else.  Check out this beer commercial, from Australia, which combines humor with sex.  However as I write I’m beginning to realize this is sort of a tough thing to convince people of, unless they have actually exposed themselves to foreign television.  As I said above, it’s not hard to put a youtube list of commercials that are simply going to help prove our point.

I’ll try to help your point out with one last thought – I have been fortunate enough with my job to somewhat travel the world that last 4 years or so, and I’ve spent time in Paris, Sweden & Australia…and let’s just put it this way – Skinemax is not needed for softcore porn in any of these places, like it is here.  Simply watch a little TV, and you will see all the softcore you need, I promise.

HE SAID: BH 90210

April 26, 2009

It’s Sunday morning, I’ve already seen SportsCenter about 11 times since last night, which would generally leave most men with nothing to watch.  However, I am not most men.  I am lucky enough as part of my Comcast Cable package to get the SOAP Network, meaning that I can watch repeats of Beverly Hills, 90210 for four hours this morning.

I’m not going to defend Beverly Hills, 90210 as a whole.  The last few years of the show were total garbage, and the college years were bearable (but mostly because Kelly Kapowski went from this to this).  The first few seasons though, are a testament to what evening drama was meant to be.  The high school years, or “Golden Years” as I like to call them, feature an incredibly diverse set of characters, absorbing plot lines, and sweet acid washed jeans.

In all seriousness though, the show definitely attempted to tackle some important issues in the first three seasons – teen pregnancy, drinking, peer pressure & racism to name a few.  Not only did Aaron Spelling and company attempt to tackle these issues, they even succeeded on many occasions.  Right now I’m being treated to Brandon feeling like a jackass in the 4th ever episode because he assumed a black kid that was going to make the varsity basketball team ahead of him was recruited to be at West Bev…well, Brandon was wrong, and he learned his lesson, and so did the audience.

The show also created the coolest television character of all time – Dylan McKay.  He is the fucking man.  Girls wanted him, he had a sweet Porsche, often skipped school to surf, smart enough to get into Berkley (but of course opted for Cal U with the rest of the gang), and said epically cool things in a loud whisper like, “I’m gonna take a drive up the coast,” or, “I’m headed to Baja, clear my head.”  This was in direct contradiction to Andrea Zuckerman, who is the biggest loser in television history.

Seriously, watch an early episode and then compare it with latter day ripoffs like Dawnsons Creek.  In 90210 absurd things happened, but the characters seemed somewhat real.  In contrast, Dawsons had more subdued/realistic plot lines, but the characters talked like they were in a fucking Shakespearean play.  This is a quote from Dawson, “Edge is fleeting, heart lasts forever.” Shut the fuck up Dawson.  Leave the quotables to the pros, the people like Steve Sanders, David Silver, Kelly Taylor & so forth, who coined the phrase, “Donna Martin graduates!”

SHE SAID: BH 90210

April 26, 2009

It’s Sunday morning, I’m folding laundry and switching over my winter/summer clothing.  One of the rare blog posts where Jeremy and I are defining our male/female roles.  Also, demonstrating just how exciting our lives are.  I should tweet and inform my followers what I’m up to just to keep them on the edge of their seats.

I’m going to call bullshit on the fact that you’re watching 90210 because you’ve watched Sportscenter 10 times.  You’re watching because you love the show.  You have 90210 T-Shirts.  You quote it regularly, and I’m fairly certain you had a 90210 quote on your Facebook page at one point in time.  You both watch and adore 90210 regardless of the amount of times you’ve watched Sportscenter.  Was your love always this pure?  Or was it influenced by the love of the girls you went to high school with?  Maybe gave you something to talk about with them?

90210.  Responsible for the first time I sat on the couch with my parents while an onscreen couple kissed and I felt incredibly awkward and embarrassed.

I agree that 90210 was better in the early years, hands down better than some of the teen shows that followed, and a lot better than those that had come before, Saved by the Bell (which also featured Tiffany in some terrible outfits and a haircut that made her head look huge and wide – threw that in just to make sure hell has a reserved seat for me).

I think the best high school show was Freaks and Geeks (for a teaser of the first episode, click here).  While tough to compare, since Freaks and Geeks only ran for one year and took place in 1980, the shows characters were easier to relate to, and the show was less of a daytime soap. The characters were able to tackle a lot of high school issues, most importantly the constant struggle to find yourself and define yourself outside of your home, with an endearing and sometimes heart wrenching humor.  The fact that no one is embarrassed to have enjoyed this show adds to it’s credence.

90210 was entertaining, but over the top from the beginning.  The two main characters moved from Minneapolis to Beverly Hills and were thrown in with the money and glamor of Beverly Hills.  The draw of that idealized California lifestyle still lives – The O.C. (which casted Ryan Atwood as an outsider with a rap sheet, to boot), The Hills, the 90210 remake, Laguna Beach and I’m sure there are some I’m forgetting.  Clearly something was tapped into here – sunny  California, money to spend, combined with heightened drama sells.

I’m glad it’s providing entertainment, years after it’s cancellation, for Jeremy on a Sunday morning, but I get nervous when you start talking about the lessons you’re learning while viewing.  I really hope that no teenagers are watching any of these shows to help point their moral compass.  Instead, I hope it’s for, to quote a dear friend, “enterfuckingtainment”.  I don’t want my children taking a lesson from Aaron Spelling’s ideas on how to best dramatize teen pregnancy, roofies, or rape.  I think we, as a culture, step into dangerous territory when we’re talking about the “issues” these shows are tackling and the lessons we are learning as an audience.  Their ultimate goal is not to provide a lesson, but to generate viewers and often times, sell the merchandise associated with the show.