SHE SAID: Walk of Shame

August 21, 2009

Always more embarrassing for a women.  I don’t care how dressed up you were the night before, even stumbling home in the morning fog wearing a disheveled tux with stubble is more distinguished than stumbling home in heels with a wrinkled dress and your hair only slightly reminiscent of its previous night’s splendor.  And most times, let’s figure the couple in question was at a bar, the guy is wearing something he could arguably wear in the morning … while the girl is in something that is clearly evening attire.  Eyeliner, mascara … it can get ridiculously messy.  We women give away WAY more when trying to ease our way home the next morning whether or not you snuggled, snogged, or slept with the person you spent the night with, it is assumed you spent the night grappling with the double backed beast when caught slinking home.

walk-of-shameIn college, these walks were more prevalent for most people.  Myself, I was saying my prayers at nine thirty and in bed by ten with all my homework done, but some of those ruffians I hung around with would come home the next morning.

One made it home in a shower curtain liner after leaving his fair lass’s room to use the lavatory and not remembering which room he had left once he exited the bathroom.  This necessitated some quick thinking.

One friend never found her other shoe despite panicked rummaging and her prince never sought her out.

Another was relieving himself of last night’s ingestion in a bush on his way back to his room while a prospective student tour happened upon him.

In hind sight, I wish I had planted myself somewhere on a Sunday morning where I could have taken in some of the walks of shame.  I’m a little bummed when I think of the people watching I missed out on that would have been so easy to witness.  Head down, eyes focused on the sidewalk, pace quickened…heels clicking.

And therein lies the fun.  Not getting caught.  There’s something victorious about making it back to your room without getting seen.  Not that you won’t laugh about the story with friends or brag to your buddies, but there is some key part in getting back to your room before someone sees you.

As an adult, it gets less exciting, a little more pathetic.  Getting spotted driving home early, your car seen in someone’s driveway, your parent’s drinking coffee at the breakfast table while you’re sneaking in the back door.  And no, that never happened to me.

But one time, having thought I snuck in unnoticed at an ungodly hour, I went to join my father for breakfast after grabbing a few hours of sleep.  He put the paper down as I sat to eat and said, “You looked really beautiful last night.”  Thinking this was one of those touching father-daughter moments that Hallmark attempts to construct, I thanked him.  Then he picked the paper back up and as he cracked it to make sure it wasn’t folding over and hampering his reading, he followed with, “Maybe that’s why you didn’t come home last night.”

Busted.

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HE SAID: Walk of Shame

August 21, 2009

I don’t even know why I’m writing on this subject.  No, not because of my lack of experience in the one night stand department; but because in general, men do not participate in the ‘walk of shame.’ Men simply, ‘walk home.’

It’s the typical double standard: the more men women sleep with – the sluttier she is; the more women men sleep with, the cooler he is.  Hey I didn’t invent the rule, I’m just writing about it.  That being said, I don’t know too many guys who really gave a shit about walking home the morning after a hook up.

Of course, as is always the case, there are a couple of exceptions to this rule.  The first one being if said male wakes up in some girl’s bed, only to realize that girl is not his girlfriend.  Then that walk becomes a bit dicier.  I know quite a few males that were got screwed in this instance.  Although let’s face it, cheating on your girlfriend isn’t exactly the coolest thing in the world.

The second exception is if the male wakes up and upon seeing his “conquest” becomes quesy, and not from the alcohol.  Ultimately, the male knows if he can complete the walk back to his dorm without being spotted, he might be able to get away with it.  However, if he is caught, he also knows he won’t be able to get away with ‘oh, just some random tri-delt slut’ when  asked who he took down.  He will be forced to confess and endure all the shit he will get from his frat dogs.

Back when I went to University of Richmond, the entire walk of shame for guys and girls was highlighted by the fact that almost no one could get away with it.  Not only did guys and girls live in separate dorms, we lived on different sides of a fucking lake (no, midnight panty raids were not part of school culture).  And in order to get to the other side, you pretty much had to walk right by student commons, where a guy might be able to blend in if he wasn’t too dressed up the night before, or across the lake, which would just make you stick out like the man-whore that you are.

Thankfully, U of R rid themselves of this ridiculous hindrance upon the resident mimboes and their female equivelant, and while dorms themselves are not mixed, at least both sides of the lakes are.  This will hopefully lead to more casual sex for everyone, a happier student body & thus more positive press for the University…everybody wins!