HE SAID: Retiring

A few months ago in this space, I wrote about how I thought Brett Favre should just retire.  In fact, I felt so strongly about it I posted twice.  However, I wasn’t really referring to his skill level so much as the way he would wait until the day before the season started and thus acting like a complete dbag in the process.  Today I’d like to focus my attention to some people in the limelight that might want to consider hanging it up, for good, because while these people used to be relevant, they simply suck now.  Some of these names might surprise you, if I’ve offended anyone, feel free to explain why you oppose my opinion.

#1. Al Pacino – Yeah, that’s right, I said, I think that Michael effing Corleone (possibly one of the best characters of all time) should give up acting.  Why? Simple, Pacino hasn’t made a relevant movie in a decade (The Insider & Any Given Sunday), hasn’t been in a decent movie since 2002 (Insomnia), and for lack of a better phrase – sucks at acting now.  He has become a complete and utter charicature of himself.  He overacts, he plays the same over-the-top jackass in every movie, and I’m simply tired of him yelling at me when he doesn’t have to.

#2. Rivers Cuomo/Weezer – For those that don’t know me, even writing down the name Rivers was painful.  They were my second favorite band all through high school and college, and the Blue Album & Pinkerton will forever remain two of my favorite albums of all time.  That being said, they haven’t made a great album since Pinkerton.  And while I’ll agree that it is incredibly hard to live up to amazing debuts, other albums should at least have songs that make you think, “wow, they still have it.”  There have been some catchy tunes on each album since, but they lost me at “I Am the Greatest Man that Ever Lived.”  Maybe the album coming out Tuesday will negate this paragraph, though based on a couple early songs I highly doubt it.

And for those who wish to put Pearl Jam in this same category, just to spite me, I concede the fact that no album after the first three have been as good.  However, on each I can point to at least two or three songs that would stand up against any from the first few.  And besides, their newest album rocks out like it’s 1994.

#3. Michael Bay & Roland Emmerich – While each of you have a couple of exceptions, for the most part, your movies suck. I mean, really, really suck.  Anyone with a bankroll and some access too good CGI computer can do what you do.  The worst part is, you are making me hate some actors I used to love.  John Cusack, what the eff are you doing starring in 2012?  Shouldn’t you be professing your love in an angst ridden way to some attractive, yet slightly unknown actress?  The answer is “yes, yes you effing should.”  But instead you are making this trash, all for a big fat paycheck.

I could keep this list going on forever (Nicolas Cage, Axl Rose, Jon Bon Jovi, Cameron Diaz), and maybe one day I will.  But for now it’s time to watch the Angels beat the Yankees.

SHE SAID: Retiring

So here’s what I envision:

It’s late. Al can’t sleep. He’s on the couch, sprawled out with his laptop overheating his lap, and to compensate for this, one bare leg is out of the bathrobe. He’s got some hard candy his mouth is working on, his glasses have slipped forward on his nose due to the slight sweat from the heat and he’s not so much typing as clicking while his eyes ricochet back and forth across his monitor.

It’s three thirty in the morning on a Tuesday and Al Pacino is googling himself because it’s slightly more interesting than counting sheep and he comes across our little blog.

This is a man who has … this is The Godfather. This is Scent of a Woman. This is Scarface. Was he apparently in Gigli (thanks, imdb)? Yes, but after his line up, he could have done anything, including Gigli, and still, his bio on imdb starts with “One of the greatest actors in all of film history…”

He’s untouchable and I’m mortified that he might read that we, because I am implicated by association, I fear, think he should retire.

And then consider, while attacking great artists who aren’t as monumentally prolific at the moment that this is the America of second chances. This is the America that rooted for Britney when she had a shaved head, covered with a pink wig, driving with her knee down the freeway with the top down while talking on her cell phone, chain smoking cigarette butts and drinking a vente frappachino with her unstrapped toddlers in the front seat. This is the America of “Rock of Love III” and other numerous washed up celebrity reality shows. We are dying for the troubled underdog to come out on top, we are rooting for the sitcom star from the early eighties to lose those pesky 135 pounds he’s put on since then. And if not, if they don’t come out on top, well then we laugh at them from our couches. It’s a win-win for the American viewer.

And so, amidst this gigantic load of garbage we’re supposed to swallow as entertainment, I’m supposed to pick three people who made contributions to society to retire and claim them no longer relevant?

I don’t feel up to the task tonight. I don’t think I’m riding high enough on my horse. And so I know it’s not the guidelines I was supposed to follow, but …

I think Jon, Kate, the nanny, the body guard and all of the eight should retire.

I think Lindsay Lohan should retire and not necessarily because her work is terrible, but because it’s clearly not a healthy environment for her. The girl needs some down time.

I think Perez Hilton should retire and take his minions with him to some deserted island.

I’m going to take this time to plug two friends of mine who are doing really great work and should most definitely not retire. Fellow Ephs (I think that’s the first time I’ve referred to myself as such), Matthew Swanson and Robbi Behr publish books that he writes and she illustrates. They are inspired and imaginative pieces of work and their creation and existence makes me less worried about exactly where our society is heading. Which will probably make them both laugh. Check their work out here.

On that note, I’m going to retire for the night. See what I did there? Hahahaha.