HE SAID: Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod)

I thought I was going to spend 6 paragraphs crapping on the Yankees for buying another World Series and for having the biggest group of Dbag fans on the planet.  But then I realized a few things: 1. The Red Sox had the 4th highest payroll in baseball for 2009 (albeit still 80 million less than the Yankees, but still..) 2. The Yankees only have the biggest group of Dbag fans because their population is bigger.  A good portion of Red Sox fans are just as lame, there are just fewer because they are being drawn from an overall smaller group.  And #3. I actually like this group of players on the Yankees team.  It is impossible not to respect guys like Jeter, Posada and Rivera.  Then there is Matsui, who once apologized to his fans for getting injured.  Sure, Joba, Swisher and Teixeeeaiiaira are all incredibly annoying, but every team has annoying players (eg – Kevin Youkilis…and you can’t accuse me of being an anti-semite).  Here’s the thing though, not every team has an A-Rod, only the Yankees do.  And while he will retire as one of the top 5 baseball players of all time, he will also retire a bigger douchebag than the likes of Ty Cobb and Pete Rose.

I mean, I honestly don’t feel as though I need to write anything more.  Don’t these two pictures speak for themselves.  For those that aren’t aware, the live action shot is of A-Rod trying to slap the ball away (which he was successful at) in an effort to cheat and get to first base.  He was called out.  This second one is an action shot of what he probably does on a nightly basis.  Except, I bet he puts his biceps up to the mirror and french kisses those.  Did anyone watch the postgame stuff last night?

I did.  Jeter, Rivera, Girarid…kudos on coming off as %100 professional.  Arod, on the other hand, had the worst performance on stage of the year (well, second to Kanye).  And the worst part is, I don’t have any proof.  It’s nothing specific he does or says…it’s simply what he exudes.  He isn’t a bad person, by any means.  Getting called out as a steroid user didn’t affect my opinion of him one way or the other, because simply put, I’m under the impression that anyone who hit over 40 homers over the past decade took steroids (with the exception of Albert Pujols).  Leaving his wife for Madonna is obviously a questionable decision, but athletes pull crap like that all the time.  Seattle fans hating him for ditching them for more money?  Well yes, that is true.  But it’s not as if he left for a few extra million; Seattle offered him 8 years for $108mil, Texas offered him 10 years for $250mil.  Big effing difference.

I really wish I had more than two pictures to support my claim.  And maybe in the long run Nifer and I will move this post to the Dbag page.  But the morning after ARod won his first World Series, there was nothing else I could write front page material on.  He is that deserved of my wrath.  Maybe I’m just angry because the Sox lost and the Yankees won, but as my many Yankee fan friends will tell you, my congrats was probably the first they received.  No, it’s really just Arod, I didn’t want him to win.  Or maybe it’s really because Nifer finally beat me at Trivial Pursuit last night.

SHE SAID: Alex Rodriguez (aka A-Rod)

Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez are both great players for the Yankees.  And yet, while A-Rod is detested outside of New York,  Jeter is widely respected for both his love of the game and his respect for the game.  A-Rod is often involved in dramatic plays (the slapping of the glove being one of them) and is even nicknamed “the cooler” due to his negative influence on his team’s morale.  What’s more, and I have to confess that I loved this, the guy is to clutch what Madonna is to abstinence.  That was before this fall.

A-Rod annoys me on another level though.  Like Celine Dion, who manages to be even more annoying than A-Rod, he thinks he is way cooler and infinitely hotter than he is.  Of course, this is all my perception since we have never exchanged any words and only one of us knows the other exists, but I’m still going to throw that out there.  To support my claim, his quote from SI: “When people write [bad things] about me, I don’t know if it’s [because] I’m good-looking, I’m biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.”  That’s getting a little Jessica Biel-ish (remember when she claimed her good looks where what kept her from scoring decent movie roles?), and then continuing onto arrogant and out of touch.

I liked it when the one thing I could count on was, come post-season, A-Rod would tank and if nothing else, I could consider karma working it’s magic as he struggled to make a meaningful contribution to his team’s results.  And now, now that his home runs were key to the Yankees continuing from the ALCS to the World Series and securing that win, now I feel like a bitter Red Sox fan who has a long winter of rebuilding hope to look forward to.  And while that’s nothing I’m not used to, I’ll miss being able to revel in A-Rod’s postseason collapse while I’m doing it.

SHE SAID: Cell Phone Etiquette*

I am a fan of cell phones.  I love my iPhone. I love that I can access my email, the world wide web, twitter, the weather, my calendar, a crossword … all these things are at my fingertips and I abuse that on occasion, like most people I know.  We have the ability to constantly be in touch, and while most people I know are able to deal with that healthily, enough of us have been annoyed by someone’s cell phone habits at some point in time.  I feel some boundaries are necessary and here are some rules I think should be mandatory.

Your ring-tone … If you just have to have Miley Cyrus as your ring-tone, please keep the volume at a low level.  While I would ask this of any ring-tone, musical ones are particularly annoying because no matter how awesome the song, it’s going to sound bad when sampled for your ring-tone and not all around you are going to be fans of your particular choice.

If you are in a movie theater, a meeting, class, etc.  putting your phone on vibrate will do just fine.

Talking while in a close public space is not always necessary.  While I get that your mother or husband or wife or whoever might call while you’re in the store because they need you to pick something else up that wasn’t on the list, it is not necessary to be on the phone with your best friend going over the details of last night’s disastrous date with a fine toothed comb in the check out line.  I have overheard really personal conversations, disgusting details, and many a bathroom conversation (really … does the other person know you’re sitting in a public rest room doing god knows what while they are talking to you?) because people cannot seem to find a private place to carry on their phone call.

In addition – to have your phone on speakerphone while in public is downright wrong.  While you might find yourself and your conversation fascinating, let me assure you, the rest of us do not.

Also, it is not required that you always answer your phone.  If you are having a real face-to-face interaction with someone, it’s pretty rude to pick up your phone.  Again, emergencies aside, it’s okay to miss a call and call someone back later.

Ringback-tones are a terrible, terrible idea.  When I call someone, I don’t want to hear a song while I wait for them to pick up.  I usually have some sort of music going on in the background anyway.  Plus, it makes me feel like I’m calling some huge corporation, not a family member or someone I know.

Texting should be limited to quick exchanges.  If it’s going to be long, or you need to discuss options, just call.  Also, if someone calls you, they wanted to talk, not text.  You should call them back.

Blue-tooth headsets.  Brad Pitt (one of People Magazine’s sexiest men alive) and David Beckham recently modeled blue-tooth headsets on two different magazine covers.  Proving that no matter how awe inspiring your good looks are, you still look like a complete tool with a blue-tooth headset on.  Wearing one when you’re not on your phone is … well, if you want to do that to yourself, that’s fine, but I try to help those I love and tell them when they look like an idiot.

*Thanks to Laura Page for the post idea.

HE SAID: Cell Phone Etiquette

I enjoyed reading through most of your rules, Nifer.  Luckily I have never encountered someone talking on speaker phone in public, because I’d most likely owe them $100-200 (depending on what phone they have) after slapping out of their hand Manu Ginobili style. Also, since I try my best not to take dumps in public bathrooms, I’ve yet to encounter someone talking on the phone in a stall.  But for the most part, I agree with all you put out there, I mean honestly, nothing screams douchebag like a bluetooth earpiece (although I’m ok with someone using it while driving).  I do have a few exceptions.

First, some ringback tones can actually kind of be fun to listen to.  I never thought I much of them, but one of my friends has “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” and I am almost upset when she answers.  Oh, it’s The Temptations version, not TLC.  Secondly, while I agree ringtones sound like shit compared with the real song, they are still more enjoyable to listen to then some bootleg tone nokia developed.  Also, I use one of my good friend’s bands song, so I feel like I’m helping advertise for him.  I do not agree with someone using a special ringtone for their significant other, unless it’s witty and funny, as opposed to forcing people to listen to “Right Here Waiting For You” by Richard Marx every time he/she calls.

My biggest disagreement comes with your rule for movies/class/etc.  Specifically, movies.  Turning your cell phone on vibrate is not enough.  Fuck it, even turning it on silent mode is not enough.  Turn it off*.  It amazes me that people can’t go two hours without checking their phone for messages or missed calls. You aren’t that important, whoever is trying to reach you isn’t waiting by the phone for a call or text back.  Leave it in the car, don’t be tempted.

*Of course, there are exceptions…Doctors on call, parents using a new babysitter for the first time, a drug dealer, etc.

I have one important rule to add, a slightly different take on your “face to face convo” rule.  If you are in a group setting, say…watching some football with a bunch of people, I fully embrace answering the phone if it is someone you wish to talk to.  However, leave the effing room.  While your phone call might be important to you, I assure you, it most likely isn’t to the rest of the group.  In addition, all you do is stifle conversation amongst the rest of the group, forcing us to resent you and most likely make fun of whatever it is you are saying.

Oh yeah, finally…”if you call someone and get voicemail, leave a message or don’t. Just don’t text, it’s gay” (movie quote alert).

HE SAID: Horror Movies

Initially, I was going to concentrate on how vampires are all of a sudden dominating our society.  However, besides a brief watching of True Blood: Season 1 I really don’t have much experience with the current vampire craze.  While I have an odd infatuation with Kristen Stewart, I haven’t watched a scene or read a word of the Twilight Series, nor seen any of The Vampire Diaries, and even refuse to admit last year’s Lost Boys 2 exists.  So, ultimately I decided it would be a bit unfair of me to crap on vampires.  However, I have seen quite of a few of this generation’s so called “horror” movies, and have decided they absolutely suck.

The Hostel Series, Saw (I-XVI), Paranormal Activity (I admit I haven’t seen this yet, and maybe it will end up being good, but my guess is it will not live up to the hype), Orphan, The Strangers, Sex and the City, every Halloween since the first couple, yada effing yada, the list goes on.

They all have more or less the same formula: show a bit of skin (and by skin I mean nipple) and have one or more incredibly messed up individual who torture the protaginists.  Here’s the thing, torture does not equal horror.  Watching some guy saw off his own ankle, or seeing an achilles tendon being plucked ou is NOT horror.  It is gore, and it is gross, and sometimes I turn away from the screen, but only because the vodka soda’s from the night before are starting to creep back up.

Then there are the Blair Witch type movies (which is what I think Paranormal Activity is going for), these seemingly ‘real’ pictures of horror.  I still remember how many morons though the original Blair Witch Project was based on a true story.  So many counselors came back from seeing that and were shitting their pants at the thought of sleeping in cabins in the woods.  What a bunch if “p” words.  I, along with the couple friends I saw it with, were literally chuckling at how dumb and awful the movie was.  Believe me, I’m not sitting here on my high horse claiming I’m a tough guy that can’t get scared, I’m sitting here on my high horse claiming today’s horror movies suck.

I can get scared.  I watched some of The Shining on TV just the other night, and when the wind howled a bit when going to sleep later on, I’m pretty sure I was a bit more on edge than usual.  I saw the original Halloween in a hotel room by myself, and definitely tossed and turned until about 4 in the morning (give me a break, I was 12 at the time).  When I walked up the stairs from the famous Exorcist scene, I shuddered and almost hershey squirted.

Maybe this speaks to what I alluded to last week when discussing Michael Bay and Roland Emmerich, directors today too often rely simply on special effects, and what gets lost is the actual movie making.  Maybe I’ll do an actual psychological study one day, but I’m pretty sure if you sat a 13 year old down in front of Saw V, and then a week later made the same kid watch The Shining…he’d have a lot more nightmares about Jack Torrance and REDRUM than he would Jigsaw.

SHE SAID: Horror Movies

Horror Movies … I think the last one I saw was Scream 2 and we got the last two seats in the theater, which meant I was more uncomfortable about having to look directly above me at the screen than by anything in the movie.  Before that, my horror movie memories are of Nightmare on Elm Street and The Exorcist.

Someone who will remain nameless thought it would be a good idea to show Nightmare on Elm Street to me at seven years old.  And because I was unable to separate what I saw on the television from reality, I spent years hating showers and taking really fast ones when absolutely necessary.  I was also legitimately petrified that I was going to end up sucked into my bed with a geyser of blood being the end result.  For years.

I watched The Exorcist at a friend’s birthday party and when I got home, my parents were headed out for dinner.  I spent the entire night beyond terrified of demon possession and kept hearing footsteps in the house which were, in reality, my own heartbeat.

Two pretty impressive reactions to horror movies, but I was also under 15 and in one case still trying to get my parents to admit that Santa didn’t exist.

Are we supposed to have that severe of a reaction to a horror movie in our twenties and thirties?  We know the mechanics behind movie making, we know the virgin lives and the whore dies, that the “blood” is dye, perhaps even the mechanics of story structure enough that we can determine the bad guy early on.  So, yeah, they don’t keep me up for days in a row anymore.  I don’t think that I, at 31, am the target audience for these movies.

Suspense is key in a scary movie.  Cape Fear, The Shining.  Those were both suspenseful and terrifying – not because the scenes were scary, but because of the blanks that the mind was able to fill.  Not to sound like my mother, but viewers don’t need to see every thrust and bead of sweat in order to comprehend attraction between two characters.  It’s the same with horror.  We don’t need to see the blood spurting and the amputations in order to be scared.  And frankly, it dates a movie because within a few months or at most, years, the audience will be laughing at the dated special effects.

I’m horribly out of date as far as appreciation for the genre in writing this.  It’s akin to me writing a post about Oasis, a band I haven’t listened to since high school.  And while I’m aware that it’s not the most respected of genres, I don’t think having titles like Halloween H20: 20 years later is helping.  I am really hoping that there aren’t 20 Halloween movies.  I don’t care how good the first one was.  Anything beyond three is stretching it, and even three is stretching it.

But I will say that I am one of those people who likes being scared.  And not because of some child getting killed or some woman being raped on screen (both of which I think are cheap scares), but because of the suspense, the unknown that, when successfully conveyed is fun.  When you’re safely curled up on your couch.  With another warm body.  And a big bowl of popcorn.